Here is the continuing saga of Soph... the second page of the Soph inspired jokes written by the fans... ENJOY!!!
I will Neva forget it ya know...
My girlfriend Clementine is of somewhat questionable morals, bless her heart. In her younger day she was a beautiful blonde lady, and one day she met a man who decided he wanted to marry her right away. Clementine said to the man, "But we don't know anything about each other."
He said, "That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along."
So she consented, and they were married and went on a honeymoon to a very nice resort. One morning they were laying by the pool when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 meter board and did a two and a half tuck gainer; this was followed by a three rotations in jackknife position, where he straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel.
Clementine said, "Oh My GOD! That was incredible!"
He said, "I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about each other as we went along."
So Clementine got up, jumped in the pool, and started doing laps. After about thirty laps she climbed back out and lay down on her towel hardly out of breath.
He said, "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?"
Clementine said "No, I was a hooker in Venice, and I worked both sides of the canal."
-Jimbo
I will Neva forget it ya know....
My boyfriend Ernie has a job which subjects him to random drug and alcohol checks. One day, his number is drawn, and after his test, the technician notifies him that he tested positive for drugs.
Ernie came home that night and adamantly denied taking any illegal drugs recently. So, I asks him to account for his activity the previous night. Ernie admitted that he stopped off at the local bar after a ball game with his teammates. He said that gradually, one by one, the other ballplayers left until it was only himself and a woman in the bar.
He was by himself, he sat with her and bought her a drink, and pretty soon, she asked him for a ride home. Trying my best to remain calm, I asked "Then what happened"?
Ernie told me that as soon as they got in the car, the woman became quite amorous, and she performed oral sex on him, and then asked him to perform oral sex on her.
"Ernie! Don't tell me that you did it", I screamed.
"Sure I did Soph", answered Ernie. "Why, what's the matter"?
"Well", I said, "that's why you tested positive ya schmuck! That was a .....barbitchyouate".
-Jimbo
Me and my boyfriend Ernie were out walking one day, on our way to visit my girlfriend Clementine's new place of business. See, Clementine had been bugging us for so long to come check out her new business venture, and being as she always had a wild and creative imagination, we finally decided it was time to see for ourselves what she had cooked up.
There in front of us, was a HUGE house nice neighborhood at the address Clementine had given us.
"Soph", He always calls me Soph, "Soph Soph... check it out"
I looked over to where my boyfriend Ernie was gesturing. I realized much to my surprise that there was a nude couple making love out on the lawn.
"Oh my G-D ERNIE, look over there" I says to him. There was another couple over behind a tree. And still another couple behind some bushes by the house. I'd had just about enough of this, I stormed up to the door of the house to find out what the hell was going on. I knocked on the door.
Clementine opened the door, I says, "Clementine, what the heck is going on? I know you said you had a new and innovative business going, but there are people sharing intimacies on your front lawn, won't that detract from business?"
Clementine looks at me and says, "Soph, this is a brothel, and today, we're having a yard sale."
-CC
I WILL NEVVAH FORGET IT...
Our next door neighbor was walking down the street when he noticed Ernie sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down.
"Ernie, what are you doing?" he exclaimed.
Ernie looked off in the distance and did not answer him. "Ernie, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?" he asked again.
Ernie slowly looked at him and said, "Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This is Soph's idea."
-SPIN
I WILL Neva forget it, ya know...
Ernie and I, as ya may know are getting up in years. We were sitting on the couch the other day and Ernie flipped past the playboy channel. He looked at me and asked, "Hey Soph, (he always called me Soph), Do you think we can still do that?"
"Hell, we can sure try!" I answered.
So we shuffled off to the bedroom. He went into the bathroom to get ready and I took off all my clothes in the bedroom. When he came out of the bathroom, he saw that I was standing on my head in the middle of the bedroom floor.
"What the hell are you doing, Soph?" he asked.
"Well Ernie dear," I replied, "I thought if you couldn't get it up, maybe you could just drop it in!"
-Jimbo
I will NEVAH forget it ya know..
Clementine got called into work one night, after we had already arranged to go out with she and her boyfriend Louis and my boyfriend Ernie. So there I was, stuck out on my own, a night on the town with these two.
Well, I thought I'd make the best of a situation, and then my boyfriend Ernie says to me, he says "Soph, we're going to take you to the place we always go, you can see what it's like to be just one of the boys..."
I says to him, "Sure Ernie, why not, it'll be fun, and besides, anything you two can do, I can certainly do better!"
So low and behold I find myself at the door of the "Gentlemans' Club", I took a deep breath, walked in and sat down, determined NOT to let it bother me.
Louis decides that he wants to impress me, so he pulls out a $10 bill.
The "dancer" came over to us. Louis licked the $10 and put it on her butt.
Not to be outdone, my boyfriend Ernie pulls out a $50 bill. He calls the girl back over, licks the $50, and puts it on her other cheek.
Now the attention is focused on me. What could I do to top that? I couldn't just ignore her, she was standing there lookin' at me, and both Ernie and Louis looked at me, expecting me I'm sure to freak out at any moment.
"Com'on Soph, what's it gonna be? Thought you coudl do anything we could do... BETTER? Isn't that what you said Soph?" Ernie taunted me...
Suddenly I felt a touch of inspiration... I felt a smile of satisfaction creeping across my face. I got out my wallet, thought for a minute.....
I got out my ATM card, swiped it down her crack, grabbed the 60 bucks, and headed for the door...that is what I did..
As I reached the door I turned and says to Ernie.. "Yes Ernie, that is what I said..."
-CC
I will NEVAH forget it, ya know!
Why my boyfriend Ernie was just a boy when he started wreaking havoc upon the masses.
When Ernie was just in first grade he decided to have some fun with the teacher. "I'm holding something behind my back," she said, "that's a fruit, and it's round and it's red."
A small girl in the class shouted out, "It's an apple!"
"Nope," the teacher replied, "It's a cherry. But at least you're thinking! Now I have something behind my back that's a fruit and it's round and it's orange."
"An orange!" another kid yelled out.
"Nope, it's a peach. But at least you're thinking? Does anyone else want to try?"
Sensing his chance, Ernie quickly walked to front of the class. He turned around and faced the chalkboard and said, "I'm holding something that's long and thin and has a red tip."
"ERNIE!!!" the teacher shrieked.
"Nope, it's a pencil," Ernie laughed, "But at least you're thinking!"
-brian
I'll nevah forget it you know.. .
Me and my girlfriend Clementine go to the zoo one day. To my shock and horror, a gorilla breaks out of his cage, grabs Clementine, throws her down, rips off all her clothes, and has his way with her.
The zookeeper pulls the gorilla off, and takes poor Clementine to the hospital. A few days later, I went to visit her.
I says to her, "So how you are feeling, Clementine??"
Clementine says, "Soph how should I feel? He doesn't call, he doesn't write..."
-CC
I'll Nevah Forget it ya know...
One afternoon, near the date of her grandson's birthday me and my girlfriend Clementine go into a sporting goods store, and she says to the salesman, "I need a present for my grandson's birthday."
The salesman says, "How about this skateboard?"
She says, "How much?"
He says, "Thirty-nine ninety-five."
She says, "Too much."
He says, "How about this baseball bat?"
She says, "How much?"
He says, "Eight ninety-five."
She says, "All right, I'll take it."
He says, "You wanna ball for the bat?"
She says, "No, but I'll blow you for the skateboard."
-CC
I will NEVAH forget it ya know!!!
For my 80th birthday I made an appointment with my hair dresser to dye my hair bleach blonde!!
When I was done, I went to my favorite bar room to see if blondes really do have more fun!! The moment I sat down a very handsome man approached me. After a few hours of endless flirting and drinking, I asked him if he wanted to come back to my place for a midnight rendevous.
Since I didn't want this one to get away, I offered to drive the both of us to my boudoir. As we were leaving the bar, a huge thunderstorm rolled in and it was raining buckets!! I told the gentleman: "Wait here, I'll go get the car and drive it out front. And by the way, I have a BLACK volvo."
The gentleman looked at me and said: "That's ok toots. I knew you weren't a natural blonde!!"
-mark
I will nevah forget it ya know!
Ernie and I were at the new science museum and they had one of them unisex rest rooms. I was standing there with Ernie as he took a pish in the urinal when another guy quickly runs up to the one beside us and hurriedly unzips to display this humongously long male part.
The fellow lets out a great sigh and says "Whew, I just made it". So I say to the chap "Oh, fabulous! Could you make one for my boyfriend Ernie"?
-butterfly david
I will Neva forget it ya know....
Ernie and I were babysitting my girlfriend Clementine's little grandson just last week. So Ernie and Clementine's grandson are sitting on the front porch together, when Ernie pulled a beer out of the cooler. The little boy asked, "Uncle Ernie, can I have a beer?"
Ernie replied, "Can your dick touch your a@#?"
The little boy answered, "No, Uncle Ernie. It's just a little dick!".
Ernie said, "Then you're not man enough to have a beer."
A little later Ernie lit up a cigar. The little boy asked, "Uncle Ernie, can I have a cigar?"
Once again, Ernie, always with his mind in the gutter, asked, "Can your dick touch your a@#?"
The little boy answered no, again. Ernie said, "Then you're not man enough to have a cigar."
A little later, the Clementine's poor grandson came out of the house with a cookie. Ernie asked, "Can I have a cookie?"
The boy asked, "Can your dick touch your a@#?"
Ernie replied, "Hell yeah, my dick can touch my a@#!"
The boy replied, "Then go f#$% yourself! Aunt Soph made these cookies for me!"
-Jimbo
I will nevah forget it, ya know!
A while back my best friend Clementine decided to throw herself a fancy dress party. Everyone seemed to be having a grand time, but Ernie and I were bored stiff. At the earliest possible chance Ernie and I ran upstairs to an empty bedroom to make some fun of our own.
Ernie was sitting on the edge of the bed putting on his, uhh, prophylactic, when suddenly Clementine came walking in. Ernie bent over immediately, trying to hide his finer points.
"Whatcha doin', Ernie?" Clementine asked.
"I thought I saw a rat run under the bed" Ernie lamely replied.
"Oh yeah?" she said. "What are ya gonna do? F#@& him?"
-brian
I will nevah forget it ya know!
My boyfriend Ernie was going bald so he buys himself a rug. He buys a toupee that was always slipping off. On this particular occasion, Ernie and I was on a train going cross country. It's was bedtime and I was already in the upper berth. Ernie was climbing the ladder when his "toup" falls into the berth below ours.
"Soph! My hairpiece fell into the berth below ours and the curtain's closed! What should I do?" he whispers to me.
"Just reach your hand in and feel around for it." I says to him.
So he reaches in and starts feeling around when his fingers run across a tuft of hair and at that very moment a woman's voice comes from behind the curtain, cooing and moaning, she softly says "Oh yeah baby, that's it, that's it!"
Ernie says back to her "Oh no it ain't, Lady. Mine's parted on the side".
-butterfly david
I WILL NEVAH FORGET IT YOU KNOW!!
My girlfriend Clementine's boyfriend Louie was on his death bed, and Clementine was maintaining a vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, and tears ran down her face. Soon her tears roused Louie from his slumber.
He looked up at her and his pale lips began to move. "Clementine," he whispered.
"Hush now" said Clementine. "Rest....Shhh...don't talk".
Again Louie whispered. "No, Clementine, I have something I must confess to you."
"There's nothing to confess," said Clementine. "Everything's all right, go to sleep."
"No, no" said Louie. "I must die in peace. Clementine, I slept with your sister, your mother, and your best friend Soph!"
"I know" said Clementine. "That's why I poisoned you!!"
-Alecia
I will neva forget it ya know...
I had my boyfriend Ernie go to the store for some tampons for me...so he walks into a Wal-Mart pharmacy, where he is well known, and wanders up and down the aisles...
The salesgirl notices him and asks Ernie if she can help him. Ernie answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for Soph. She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, Ernie deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter. She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for tampons for your Soph?"
Ernie says, "You see, it's like this. Yesterday, I sent Soph to get me a carton of cigarettes and she came home with a tin of tobacco and some rolling paper. So, hell, I figure if I have to roll my own, she can too.
-Ashley
I'll NEVAH forget it you know..
FINALLY me and my boyfriend Ernie got married... after a very long long courtship. There we were.. a pair of newlyweds in our honeymoon suite on our wedding night.
As we both undressed for bed, Ernie, who had become a rather large burly man over the years, tossed his pants to me and said, "Soph.. SOPH! here put these on."
So to humor the poor guy, thinking this was some new form of seduction he had come up with just for the wedding night, I put them on, and the waist was twice the size of my body.
I says to him "Ernie, ya schmuck... I can't wear your pants."
"That's right!!" says Ernie, "and don't you forget it. I'm the man who wears the pants in this family!"
With that I seductively removed and flipped him my panties. I says to him, "Hey Ernie... Babycakes..Try these on."
He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps.
He said, "Hell, Soph, I can't get into your panties!"
And I says to him "That's right Ernie, and that's the way it's going to be until you change your attitude..."
-CC
I will NEVAH forget it ya know!
My boyfriend Ernie and I were on hard times... money was tight. BUT... we were not going to miss our summer vacation, even if it only consisted of a weekend away at my parents house.
To make up for the fact that Ernie couldn't afford to get me a real vacation...he decided to take me out for dinner and an adult film just for fun like we used to do in the old days. Ernie.. the die hard romantic! (yeah right!)
So there were are... after the movie, and when we reached the front door Ernie (feeling once again like the young stallion and man of romance that he once was) leans with one hand on the wall and says to me, "Soph", he always calls me Soph when he's in a romantic mood, "babe, why don't you give me a little bitta oral sex?"
I says to him "What ? You're crazy! Have you lost your mind completely Ernie?"
"Don't worry Soph, it will be quick, no problem."
"No!! You're crazy Ernie... you got bumkas for braincells someone might see;
a relative, a neighbor..."
"At this time of the night no one will show up..."
"I've already said NO, and NO!"
"Soph.. Honey" He says to me..."it's just a small blowie... I know you like it, too.."
"NO!!! I've said NO!!!"
"Come ON SOPH don't be like that..."
At this moment my neice shows up at the door in her nightgown with her hair totally in disorder, rubbing her eyes and says "Grandpa says either you have to blow him, I have to blow him, or he will come down and give the guy a blowjob himself, but for God's sake SOPH tell your boyfriend Ernie to take his hand off the intercom!"
-CC
I will NEVAH forget it, ya know!
For the longest time Ernie and I were having a terrible time in the bedroom. He was simply failing to perform. So finally one day I got fed up. I said to him, "Ernie! I cannot live like this!" So Ernie trotted on downtown to find an aphrodesiac.
He happened upon a small chineese shop with a short man and his wife behind the counter. Ernie explained his problem and the man pulled out a little wooden box from behind the counter. He opened it up and there was a male appendage inside!
Ernie said, "what the hell is that?"
The proprietor explained, "It's a magic dick. Very easy to use." Then he said, "Magic dick, my wife." And with that the appendahge flew out out of the box and begin to pleasure the man's wife!
Then the man said, "Magic dick, box" and it flew right back into the box!
Ernie yelled, "I love it!" and paid for it right then and there.
I was waiting for him on the bed when he came home. He ran into the bedroom and said, "Soph, you're gonna love this one!"
I said, "Ernie, what the hell are you doing with that box? I don't like the look of this."
But he opened it up and said, "Magic dick, Soph!" And let me tell you, I did
not get out of bed all weekend.
Well, sad but true, there is only so much a woman can take. So I told Ernie I'd had enough and he said, "Magic dick, box" but the damn thing didn't budge! He began yelling it over and over! "Magic dick, box! Magic dick, box!" But it was to no avail. I had no choice but to visit the doctor.
As I walked into the office I saw Clementime in the waiting room. She said,
"Soph, what's wrong?! You look like you're having an orgasm just standing
here!"
I said, "Clementime, I am! Ernie bought a magic dick and I can't get it out!"
She scoffed at me, "He bought a what?"
"A magic dick!" I yelled!
"Yeah, right!" she chuckled. "Magic dick my ass!"
-brian
I will Neva forget it ya know....Ernie and I were out for a few drinks, and driving home from the city one night. Of course, his car is weaving all over the road. A cop pulls him over.
"So," says the cop to Ernie, "where have you been?"
"Why, I've been to the pub of course", Ernie slurs.
"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening."
"I did all right," Ernie says with a smile.
"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, Soph fell out of your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs Ernie. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."
-Jimbo