Here is the continuing saga of Soph... the third page of the Soph inspired jokes written by the fans... ENJOY!!!
I will NEVER forget it you know..
It was just after my girlfriend Clementine had had her son. As you may remember, Clementine was a lady of the evening, the daytime and the noon, and also the bizarre.
She was looking through the paper one day and came upon an ad. It appears a Mr. Smith had, upon learning he had a rare disease whose only cure was mother's milk, took out a personal ad looking for a nursing mother. Having had to take leave of her job to have the child, Clementine answered the ad immediately and, after agreeing on a price, he went up to her apartment.
As it happened, Mr. Smith had incredibly soft lips, and an active tongue, and after five minutes of nursing, Clementine was almost beside herself with tides of passion.
"Is there anything else I can offer you?" she panted.
Smiling impishly, Mr. Smith responded, "If it's not too much trouble, do you happen to have any Oreos?"
-CC
I Will Never Forget it you know...
It was the occasion of my boyfriend Ernie and I's first date and we'd celebrated our first night together doing what new couples do, time and time again but with the lights off.
Morning came, Ernie went to the bathroom but found no towel when he emerged from the shower.
He says to me "Soph, hey Soph can you bring a towel from the bedroom."
I opened the door, and saw his naked body for the first time. I looked him up and down and, about midway, my eyes stopped and stared.
I says to him, "Ernie, What the HELL is that?" pointing to a small part of his anatomy.
Ernie being shy, thought for a minute and then said, "Well,thats what we had so much fun with last night."
And I says to him "Ernie, Is that all we have left?"
-CC
I will nevah forget it you know.........
My boyfriend Ernie, weenie wee wanker that he is, tried the other night to empress me in my boudoir.
Into the room he strutted, flinging his clothes recklessly this way and that.
"Ernie," I said, "what the hell' you doing? I thought you brought me in here just for a f@#k!"
"Hell no Soph," he replied with a grin, "I just caught the Full Monthy on the cable the other evening and I've decided to give it to you."
"Ernie," I laughted, "You tellin' me that you gonna give me the full monthy?"
"That's right Soph, so brace yourself, my lady."
"Ernie, do me a favour, will yea? Go to the mirror and have a long look at yourself in it and if you see a full monthy give me a shout, cause Ernie, from this angle, all I see is a fun-size bounty!"
-Damiboy
I will nevah forget it, you know...........
I was havin' drinks at my girlfriend Clemintine's house the other night when the dirty ole' gal that she is, gently aided by a stiff Margarita or two, slipped down the slippery slope to slut land and started cracking a couple of whopper style jokes. Boobies, butts, appendages and such like where torn assunder with complete lack of taste.
"Come on Soph, it's your turn," she shouted,"Make me laugh, tickle my funny bone and dish me out somethin' mean and dirty!"
Well, as you can imagine, me being the gracious figure head of f#@k-jokes didn't need too long to think up something hot and wicked.
"Well, my dear ole' Clemintine," I said, "it's my boyfriend Ernie. He's got no stamina for the naughty business. He starts snoring even before he gets to the bed. He's got a little dick and it bends to the left."
"Yeah," said a bewildered Clemintine, face contorted in puzzlement, "I don't get it."
"Exactly," I replied, "with him like that, neither do I."
-damiboy
I will Never forget it you know...
... It happened a few years ago. My girlfriend Clementine returned from bingo just in time to find her husband in bed with another woman. With super-human stregnth borne of fury, she dragged her husband down the stairs to the garage and put his penis in a vise. Clementine secured it tightly and removed the handle. Next she picked up a hacksaw. Her husband terrified, screamed, "Stop, stop! You're not going to CUT it off are you?!"
Clementine with a gleam of revenge in her eye says, "No silly. You are. I'm just gonna set the garage on fire."
-Becky
I'll never forget ya know...
Got a frantic call from my girlfriend Soph. Seems she was having problems with a juggsaw puzzle. "What is it a puzzle of" I asked. "The picture on the front of the box is of a tiger" says Soph. Well, I'm pretty good at puzzles, so I head over to Soph's house. Soph lets me in and takes me into the kitchen where she has all the pieces spread out.
I look at the peices spread on the table then pick up the box to see the picture.
"Two things Soph" I said. "First, chill out and have a cup of coffee".
"Whats the second?" Soph wanted to know...." After you've calmed down a bit, put all the frosted flakes back in the box".
-Margo
I will neveah forget it you know...
My girlfriend Clementine, who had been married and divorced 10 times, met a lawyer fell in love and decided to get married.
On their wedding night she told her new husband Please be gentle I'm still a virgin"
"What?" said her husband. "How can that be if you've been married 10 times?"
"Well husband #1 was a sales representative;he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in software services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd get right back to me.
Husband #3 was from field services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband #4 was in telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he'd be able to deliver.
Husband#5 was an engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted 3 years to research,implement and design a new state ot the art method.
Husband #6 was from finance and administration; he thought he knew how,but he wasn't sure it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in marketing; although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband#8 was a psychiatrist; all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gyneynocologist; all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband # 10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was...God I miss him."
....But now I've married you, I'm really excited!""Good," said the lawyer,"but why?'
"Duh you're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!!"
-Fern
I will nevah forget it, ya know...
My boyfriend Ernie comes home with a new computer system. He said Soph...he always calls me Soph...we must get with it and join the rest of the world in learning this "technology business".
So, I leave Ernie to set up his new computer and call Clementine to tell her of the news.
About 15min. later, I returned to Ernie only to find him naked as a jaybird, trying to shove his "appendage" into the slot on the front of the computer. I screamed in horror..."Ernie, what the hell are ya doin'? It says to, insert floppy disk!!"
-Deb
I will nevah forget it, ya know?
I strolled into a bar one afternoon for a small libation after a day spent shopping with my girlfriend Clementine.
No sooner did I plant my tucas at the bar, then this man strolls over, places his hand up my skirt and begans fondling me!!
WELL... I jumped right up and slapped his face! He immediately apologized and says to me "I'm sorry" he says, "I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her."
"Why you drunken, worthless, insufferable lout" I screamed at him.
"Funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her."
- Snook
Whenever Soph and Ernie wanted to have sex they would always ask, "Do you want to do the laundry?"
Well, one night Soph and Ernie were in bed and Ernie leans over and says, "Soph, you want to do the laundry?"
"Not now," replies Soph.
A little later Ernie nudges Soph again, "Soph, Soph, you want to do the laundry?"
Once again Soph says, "Not now Ernie".
Later that evening Soph awakens feeling frisky and says, "Ernie, I'm ready to do the laundry now."
"That's ok Soph," replies Ernie, "It was a small load I did it by hand."
-Sue
I will nevah forget it you know!!!
Over tea with my girlfriend Clementine the other morning, she told me about a scary night she'd had with her boyfriend Louie.
Apparently Louie was awoke in the night by a hideous noise. He went downstairs to investigate and found a mouse raping his cat! Louie was amazed by the power of this small mouse, so he picked it up and snuck it over to the neighbors back yard, where it repeated the act upon a german shepard.
Floored by this, Louie simply had to show Clementine. He woke her up and when she saw the mouse she screamed and covered herself with the blankets.
"Clementine, Shhhh!!!" Louie begged her.
But Clem just yelled, "Get that sex maniac out of here!!!"
-brian
I will NEVER forget it, ya know?
I was exhausted from a day spent shopping with my girlfriend Clementine. On the way home, I saw a park bench and decided to plant my tired ole tucas on it for a spell. It felt so good, that I decided to stretch out my legs and really relax.
After a little while a beggar came up to me and says to me, he says "Hello luv, how's about us going for a walk together."
"How dare you," says I, "I'm not one of your cheap pickups!"
"Well then," says the beggar, "what are you doing in my bed?"
-Snook
I Will NEVAH forget it you know...
The senior citizens center that me,my boyfriend Ernie and my oldest dearest friend Clementine belong to, held a luncheon last Sunday. At the luncheon an elderly gentleman struck up a conversation with Clementine, and discovered that they both loved to fish. Since both were single, they decided to go fishing together the very next day.
The man picked Clementine up and they headed to the river to his fishing boat and started out on their adventure.
They were riding down the river when they came upon a fork in the river, the man asked Clementine, "Do you want to go up or down?" All of the sudden Clementine stripped out of her clothes leaped on the man and made wild passionate love to him right there in the boat. The man though very stunned just had the best sex of his life and was happy.
They continued down the river when again they came to a fork in the river. The man asked "Up or down?" and yet AGAIN Clementine ripped off her clothes leaped on the old man and made wild passionate love to him.
VERY impressed, the old man ofcourse asked Clementine to go fishing with him the next day. She said yes and here they were the next day riding in the boat when they came to a fork in the river, the old man asked,"Up or down?"
Clementine replied, "Down".
The old man though puzzled steered the boat down. A little later they came to another fork in the river, the man asked, "Up or down?"
This time Clementine replied "Up".
The man now very confused says to Clementine, "Ya know, I don't get it, yesterday whenever I asked you Up or Down, you jumped on me and we had wild sex, and today when I ask you up or down, you just reply which direction you'd like to go, What's going on?"
Clementine replied back, "Oh, yesterday I forgot to wear my hearing aid and I thought you were saying, "F@#K OR DROWN."---
-Becky
I will Neva forget it ya know....
My poor girlfriend Clementine had a terrible accident. Seems she drove right the hell off a bridge one night. The day after the accident, poor old Clementine's husband was greeted by two grim-faced policemen at his door.
"We're sorry to call on you at this hour," they said, "but we have some information about your wife."
"Well, tell me!" Clementine's husband said.
The policeman said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"
Fearing the worse, Clementine's husband said, "Give me the bad news first."
So the policeman said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found Clementine's body in the San Francisco Bay."
"Oh my god!" said Clementine's husband, overcome by emotion. Remembering what the policeman had said, he asked, "What's the good news?"
"Well," said the policeman, "when we pulled her up she had two five-pound lobsters and a dozen good size Dungeoness crabs on her."
"If that's the good news, then what's the great news?" he demanded.
The policeman said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow morning."
-Jimbo
I'll neva forget it ya know...
My girlfriend Clementine, now I hate to say it but she's one egg short of a dozen, if you get my drift. One day she was driving along when she managed to hit a tree and total her car!! Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived.
"My God!!" the trooper gasped. "Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant! Are you OK ma'am?"
"Yes Officer, I'm just fine," Clementine chirped.
"Well, how in the world did this happen?" the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car.
"Officer, it was the strangest thing!" Clementine began. "I was driving along this road when from out of nowhere this TREE pops up in front of me. So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I swerved to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was...."
"Uh, ma'am", the officer said, cutting her off. "There isn't a tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and forth".
-Susan
I will NEVER forget it you know...
There I was sitting and waiting at the hospital donation center. My girlfriend Clementine's boyfriend Louie walks in and sits down beside me.
Louie says to me, "Hey Soph..What are you doing here today?"
I says to him "Louie, I'm here to donate some blood. They're going to give me $5 for it."
"Hmm, that's interesting. I'm here to donate sperm, myself. But they pay me $25."
I sat there looking thoughtful for a moment and we chatted some more before going our separate ways.
A couple months later, on my next donation day I meet up with Louie again in
the donation center.
"Oh, hi there, Soph! Here to donate blood again?"
I just shook my head with my mouth closed "Unh unh."
-CC
I'll nevah forget it you know...
It was the occasion of the 50th anniversary of our first date, me and my boyfriend Ernie were talking before our dinner about how we should celebrate our big evening.
I decided I would cook a big dinner for her Ernie.
My boyfriend Ernie said that we should do what we did on our second date and eat at the dinner table naked. (that's another story in itself) So...I agreed, after all age is a state of mind right?
Later that night at the table, I look at Ernie and I says to him, "Ernie, my nipples are as hot for you as they were fifty years ago."
Ernie looks at me and replies, "Soph...that's because they are sitting in your soup."
-CC
I will neva forget it you know....
My girlfriend Clementine was in her eighties and was much admired for her kindness and sweetness. The pastor came to call on her one afternoon and she welcomed him into her parlor. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old pump organ the young minister noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it, filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom. Imagine his shock and suprise. Imagine his curiosity! He certainly couldn't mention the strange sight to Miss Clementine.
When she returned with tea and cookies, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and it's strange floater, but soon it got the best of him and he could not longer resist. "Miss Clementine" he said(pointing to the bowl), " I wonder if you would tell me about this?"
"Oh, yes" she replied, "isn't it wonderful? I was walking downtown last fall and I found this little package. The directions said to put it on the organ, keep it wet and it would prevent disease. And you know I haven't had a cold all winter."
-Fern
I'll NEVER forget it you know...
My girlfriend Clementine was dating a doctor. One afternoon I called her... to ask her over for tea... the phone rang... and rang and rang.. just as I was about to give up hope.. she answered..
She told me that she and her boyfriend had had an argument at breakfast. "You aren't so good in bed either!", he'd shouted and stormed off to work.
"So Clementine, if you two are fighting and he's at work..what took you so long to answer?"
"I was in bed."
"What were you doing in bed this late?"
"Getting a second opinion."
-CC
I'll never forget it you know...
My girlfriend Clementine has always had a soft heart for the schmucks with the really bad pick up lines....
We were sitting there having tea, and I says to her... "Clementine, tell me again where you and Louis met?"
"Well Soph, here's how it went.. it was at a time when I had decided to take a job in an honorable profession in a clock and watch shop (is it my fault I misread the help wanted ad Soph?). In the door walks this guy... while looking around, he notices me, in all my gorgeous beauty working behind the counter. He walks up to the counter where I was standing, unzips his pants, flops his chop out and and places it on the counter. "What are you doing, Sir?", I says to him "This is a clock shop!!"
He replied, "I know it is and I would like 2 hands and a face put on this!"
And I KNEW this was the man for me..."
-CC
I will never forget it, ya know?
Ernie decided to get a tattoo of a $100 dollar bill on his appendage....
So he ran down to the local tattoo parlor and told the tattoo artist what he wanted. The artist replied, "I'm sorry, Ernie, but I can't do that there."
Ernie said, "But sir, I am your customer, and that is what I want!"
The tattoo artist replied, "Okay, Ernie, but you have to give me three good reasons before I'll even consider doing the job..."
Ernie says to the guy, "Well my first reason is because I like to play with my money. And my second reason is that I like to watch my money grow. But my third, and main reason is that if Soph decides she wants to blow a hundred bucks, she won't have to leave home."
-Jude
I will NEVAH forget it, ya know!
For the longest time Ernie wouldn't take me nowhere. I gave him what for constantly until he finally felt guilty. One night at dinner he said, "Fine, Soph! Tomorrow we're going hunting!"
Well Ernie woke up at 4 in the morning, fixed breakfast and got everything ready. He came upstairs and tried to wake me up.
I said, "Ernie, look at the damn time! I don't want to go anywhere!"
"Fine then!" he yelled. Then you'd better at least give me a blow or let me stick it in your tuckus." I gave in and decided to orally please him a little.
After a few seconds I stopped. "Ernie, this tastes like sh@$!"
"I know," he said, "the dog didn't want to go either."
-Brian
I'll nevah forget it, ya know!
My boyfriend, Ernie had a friend named Oscar and Oscar had a speech impediment for several years that everyone made fun of. So he went to the doctor to get it corrected. "Pwees docdur can ooo vix my boice" says Oscar to the doc.
"Oh my" says the doc, "that's an unusual speech impediment you have there. I'll have to give you a complete physical to find out the cause".
Oscar strips down naked and the doc sees that Oscar has a humongous male member. "Well, there's your problem" the doc exclaimed. "The sheer weight of that humongous male member is actually pulling and stretching your vocal chords! The only way to fix it is to remove a section from the middle. You'll still be able to function as a man and you will have a normal voice"!
Oscar says, "Oh pwees, doo dee surgerwee wite away". Several weeks pass after the surgery and Oscar returns to see the doctor.
"Oh doctor" says Oscar "I cannot thank you enough for giving me a normal voice but I was wondering if I could have the section you removed from me so I can have it stuffed and placed on my mantle"
to which the doctor replied "Oh wee dot wid of dat ting wite aftur de surgerwee".
-David
I will NEVAH forget it, ya know!!
When Ernie and I first started seeing each other he was keeping a terrible secret from me. It seems that several years prior Ernie had been in an accident and lost his "maleness."
Always aiming to please, Ernie wanted to make me happy, so he trotted down to the Doc to see what he could do.
"There's not much I can do for you," said the Doc. "Although I have a friend who's a taxidermist and he has the last 6 inches of an elephant trunk. That's about all I can think of, though."
"Well," said Ernie, "if it's my only option, let's go for it."
Well Ernie and I were out to dinner a few weeks later when suddenly something popped up from underneath the table, grabbed some bread, and disappeared back down below.
"Ernie, what the hell was that?" I yelled.
Trying to comfort me he said, "Don't worry, Soph, it's just a little trick I know."
"Well can you do it again?" I asked.
"Probably," he said, "but I don't think my ass can take another roll."
-Brian
I will NEVAH forget it, you know..
I says to my bud Clementine, " Spring has sprung, so let’s get out in the REAL world for a change, see stuff in its natural state and all "
and she says " Aw, Soph.. I’m not up for Las Vegas and when you’ve seen one topless review you’ve seen them all..."
"Sheesh!" I told her, "I’m not talking Vegas, I’m talking FARM land.. you know.. cornfields, cows.. stuff like that... cock-a-doodle-doos.."
Well, THAT got her going.. the cock-a-doodle-doo part and honey, I don’t think she’s EVAH even seen a rooster..
Anyhow, me and Ernie were going out to Big Bubba’s farm for a picnic and Clementine said she would come along.. "I can’t BELIEVE IT!" I says to Ernie.. "Clementine on a farm?"
And he says, right before I clobbered him, "Look Soph" ( he always calls me Soph).. "you know she’s always looking for new cocks.."
So, we pulled up and saw Bubba heading our way , striding up over the corn field, a big old hunka hunka wearing overalls and no shirt and I, being a great appreciator of male pulchritude, says to Clementine.. "Oh, My G-D!!!Now THAT’S a big one.. what is he, about 6’8"??"
And Clementine says "Soph, you can forget about the 6 feet... it’s the 8 inches I’m interested in!"
-Sher