Here is the continuing saga of Soph... the fifth page of the Soph inspired jokes written by the fans... ENJOY!!!
I will nevah forget it ya know?
Me and my boyfriend Ernie were tending to the domicile one Saturday afternoon and I asked him to iron the laundry.
Ernie got the ironing board out of the closet and says to me, "Soph...what is the difference between you and this here ironing board".
I said to him "Ernie, I don't know...WHAT?". He says to me, "Well, Soph... it's difficult to open the legs of an ironing board."
Snook
I will Never forget it you know...
Ernie was seconds away from receiving a vasectomy when his brother, Louie and sister-in-law Clementine barged in holding their newborn baby.
"Stop! You can't do this!" exclaimed Louie.
"And why not?" asked Ernie.
"Don't you want to have a beautiful baby someday? Like Clementine and I have here?"
Ernie said nothing.
Louie grew impatient, "C'mon Ern, I want a nephew. Ernie, make me an uncle."
Ernie couldn't take it anymore. He gave Clementine an apologetic look and Louie, "You're sure you want a nephew?"
"Yes," Louie replied. "It would be an honor."
"Well congratulations, you're holding him."
Kasey
I Will NEVA forget it, ya know...
One day my boyfriend Ernie and I were making love. All of the sudden a bumble bee entered the bedroom window. As I parted my legs the bee entered my vagina! I of course started screaming, "Oh my god, help me, there's a bee in my vagina!"
Ernie immediately took me to the local doctor and explained the situation.
The doctor thought for a moment and said, "Hmm, tricky situation. But I have a solution to the problem if you would permit me, sir."
Ernie, being very concerned, agreed that the doctor could use whatever method to get the bee out of my vagina. The doctor said, "Okay, what I'm gonna do is rub some honey over the top of my penis and insert it into Soph's vagina. When I feel the bee I'll withdraw my penis and the bee should follow my penis out of Soph's vagina."
Ernie nodded and gave his approval. I said, "Yes, yes, whatever, just get on with it!"
So the doctor covered the tip of his penis with honey and inserted it into the my, a, vagina. After a few gentle strokes, the doctor said, "I don't think the bee has noticed the honey yet. Perhaps I should go a bit deeper."
So the doctor went deeper and deeper. After a while the doctor began shafting me very hard indeed.
I began to quiver with excitement. I know, I know, but I couldn't help it - I began to moan and groan aloud.
The doctor, concentrating very hard, looked like he was enjoying himself. He then put his hands on my breasts and started making loud noises.
At this point Ernie suddenly became very annoyed and shouted, "Now wait a minute! What the hell do you think you're doing?"
The doctor, still concentrating, replied, "Change of plan. I'm gonna drown the bastard!"
-Jimbo
I WILL NEVVA FORGET IT . . . .
My girlfriend Clementine, who had lost her sight to catarax, was on the Jerry Springer show, America's best entertainment next to Branson if I do say so myself. Well, her boyfriend got up there and said, "Clementine - I got something to say...I've been cheating on you with another woman."
And Clementine smiled and said, "Was she blind too?"
-Spin
I WILL NEVVA FORGET IT, YA KNOW?
Ernie walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a case of beer, any kind except Heineken. The bartender says, "What's wrong with Heineken, don't you like it?"
Ernie says, "I hate that crap. Last night I drank a whole case of Heineken and blew chunks."
The bartender says, "Well obviously -if you drink a case of any beer you're going to blow chunks".
"You don't understand," said Ernie, "Chunks is my dog."
-Spin
I will nevah forget it, ya know?
Soph was talking to her girl friend Clementine about what a dimwit Ernie could be....
"You know, Clementine, you wouldn't believe how thick Ernie can be.... I think he needs a Plexotimy....."
Clementine replied, "A PLEXOTIMY? Why Soph, what the hell is THAT???"
"Well, Clem," says Soph, "That's where there remove the front of your stomach and replace it with Plexiglass..."
"Now, Soph," says Clementine, "Why the hell would they evah do that????"
"Well," says Soph, "It's so that when you're walking around with your head up your ass, you can see where you're going!"
That is what she said....
Jude
I will nevah forget it you know!
One night Clementine and I decided we wanted to do something a little different, so we stepped out to one of them lesbian bars. Oh, they're so chic, let me tell you.
Well the night was relatively uneventful and upon returning home I told Ernie what a boring night we had. Come to find out that Ernie and Louie, in a show of male comraderie, had stepped to a gay bar as well. They too found the evening to be fairly dull.
"Did anybody try to pick you up?" Ernie asked me.
"Hardly," I replied. "Only one woman spoke to me all night. She asked if my carpet needed some vaccuming, but I told her I've always preferred the hard-wood."
"Funny," Ernie said, "Only one person talked to me too. He just wanted to know if he could push in my stool."
-Brian
I will Neva Forget it ya know....
my girlfriend Clementine has gotten quite disgusting in her old age - she lets that stupid dog of hers sit right next to her in the dining room. And when she gets done eating, she will take her plate and let that dog lick it clean right at the table!
Then she'll put some Poli-Grip on it and slip it right back in her mouth.
-Jimbo
I will Never forget it you know
A drunken Ernie stumbles along a Baptismal service on a Sunday afternoon down by the river. He proceeds to stumble down into the water and stands next to the Minister. The Minister turns, notices Ernie and says, "Mister, are you ready to find Jesus?"
Ernie looks back and says, "Yes sir, I am."
The Minister then dunks poor old Ernie under the water and pulls him right back up.
"Have you found Jesus?" the Minister asked.
"No, I didn't!" said Ernie.
The Minister then dunks him under for a quite a bit longer, brings him up and says, "Now brother, have you found Jesus?"
"No, I did not!" said Ernie again.
Disgusted, the Minister holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time, brings him up and demands, "For the grace of God, have you found Jesus yet?!!!??"
Old drunken Ernie wipes his eyes and pleads, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"
-Kasey
I WILL NEVVAH FORGET IT YA KNOW?
Ernie and his two best buds went on a skiing trip in Colorado. They had a quaint little cabin and, unfortunately, one bed which they all shared.
One morning, they all wake up and the guy to Ernie's left said, "I had the best dream last night! I dreamt this girl was giving me a handjob!"
Then the guy to Ernie's right said, "That's funny -because I had the exact same dream..."
Ernie, dumbfounded, looked at them and said, "All I dreamt was that I was skiing."
-spin
I WILL NEVVAH FORGET IT....
It was my and Ernie's 25th Anniversary.
I said to him, "Ernie -when we first did it 25 years ago...what were your thoughts?"
And he said, "Soph, I wanted to screw your brains out and suck you dry."
I ripped off my clothes and stood in front of him with a smile. "What are you thinking now?"
And he looked at me and said, "I think I did a pretty good job."
-spin
I will Neva Forget it ya know....
My boyfriend Ernie - not the smartest bulb in the box, you know...back in his day was a bit of a hellraiser. Finally one day the judge threw the book at him and off he went to prison.
Now in those times every convict was allowed to take one item with them to help occupy their time while incarcerated. On the bus, one convict turned to another and said, "So, what did you bring?"
The convict pulled out a box of paints and stated that he intended to paint anything he could. He wanted to become the "Claude Monet of prison."
Then he asked the first, "What did you bring?"
The first convict pulled out a deck of cards and said, "I brought cards. I can play poker, solitaire and gin, and any number of games."
Ernie was sitting quietly aside, grinning to himself. The other two took notice and asked, "Why are you so smug? What did you bring?"
Ernie pulled out a box of tampons and smiled. He said. "I brought these."
The other two were puzzled and asked, "What can you do with those?"
He grinned and pointed to the box and said, "Well, according to this box, I can go horseback riding, swimming, roller-skating . . ."
I Will Neva Forget it ya know....
After Ernie's annual company office Christmas party blowout, he woke up with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed, and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening.
After a trip to the bathroom, he was able to make his way downstairs, where I put some coffee in front of the poor schlep.
"Soph," he moaned - he always called my Soph, "tell me what went on last night. Was it as bad as I think?"
"Even worse," I assured him, my voice dripping with scorn. "You made a complete ass of yourself, succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors, and insulted the president of the company to his face."
"He's an asshole - piss on him."
"You did," I informed him. "And he fired you."
"Well fuck him," said Ernie.
I said "I did. You're back at work on Monday."
-Jimbo
I will nevah forget it, ya know!!
I was in a bar in Chicago a few years back when who did I spot across the way but Dennis Rodman. I gathered myself and strutted right on up to him.
"Dennis," I said, "I hear you're quite an adventurer. Ever have a little frisky fun with an older woman?"
"No I haven't," he said as he looked me up and down, "but I'd sure like to start."
Yeah, I've still got it.
After a little more sweet talking we found ourselves in his bedroom. He began to remove his shirt, revealing a tattoo on his arm that said "Reebok."
"Why the hell is that there?" I asked.
"When I play basketball, the cameras pick up the tattoo and Reebok pays me for advertisement," he explained. As he took off his pants I saw another tattoo readng "Puma" on his leg. He had the same lame explanation for that one. Then, as he removed his boxers, I saw "AIDS" tattooed on his appendahge!!
"Oh, I don't think so!" I shouted. "I'm not screwing you if you have AIDS!"
Dennis says to me, "It's cool baby, in a minute it's going to say "ADIDAS".
That is what he said!!
-brian
Ernie came rushing into the house the other day screaming, "Soph! Soph! Pack your bags!! I've just won the state lottery!!"
I said, "Ernie, that's wonderful!! Should I pack for hot weather or cold?"
"I don't care," he said, "just as long as you're out of the house by noon!"
That is what he said!
-brian
I will never forget it you know..
Ernie was walking along a California beach, deep in prayer to the Lord. He said, "God, you have promised to give us the desires of our hearts. That's what I am asking you for right now. Please give me a confirmation that you will grant my wish."
Suddenly the sky clouded up over his head and in a booming voice God spoke to Ernie. "I have searched your heart, Ernie, you low-life, and determined it to be beyond hope. The last time I issued a blank wish request it was to Solomon. Now that was one pure man! He didn't disappoint me, either, with his request for wisdom. Now, listen, Ernie, Lucky Ernie, unfortunately it's your Lucky day!
This is the one day of the year I give some poor shtup a free wish, and you are the poorest.... You should know you better not disappoint me either, Bucko.... Just because you were blessed with a heaping helping of blind-assed luck, I will grant you one wish, whatever you ask for."
Ernie sat and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii, God, but I'm deathly afraid of flying and I get very sea-sick on boats. Could you build a bridge to Hawaii, so I can drive over there to visit whenever I wanted?"
The Lord laughed and said, "That's impossible! Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete...how much steel!!! Your request is very materialistic, Ernie a little disappointing. I could do it, but it's hard for me to justify your craving for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honor and glorify Me as well."
Ernie thought about it for a long while and tried to think of a really good wish.
Finally, he said, "Here's the deal, Lord. I've been with Sophie for so many years, off and on, with a few other stops along the way, you know what I mean? Sophie always says that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So I wish that I could understand her...
I want to know how she feels inside and what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment... I want to know why she's crying... I want to know what she really means when she says "nothing"... I want to know how to make her truly happy... That is what I want, Lord, that is my wish!"
After a few minutes, God said, "Ernie, you want two lanes or four on that bridge?"
-seafree
I will never forget it you know
Me and my boyfriend Ernie are now retired at Pleasant Acres Nursing Home, One day last week we decided to have a little fun... In my motorized wheel chair I was pretending to be a wild driver in my brand new hot rod, I went SPEEDING down the hall where Ernie's room is, as I sped past his room Ernie came running out making a siren noise, I of course respect the authority and pulled on over to the side of the hall.
Police officer Ernie steps up to me and says, "Soph, You were driving kinda fast, can I see your liscense and registration?"
I reached into my pocket and handed Police officer Ernie a crumpled receipt as my liscense, and ofcourse I slipped him a little bribe, (a sugar free piece of hard candy!) to avoid a ticket.
Police Officer Ernie accepted my bribe and let me go on a warning, and aid,"Don't let me catch you driving so fast down my hall."
I then went on my way... I circled the nursing home and went speeding and SWERVING down Ernie's hall again, Police Officer Ernie once again leaped from his room making his siren noise, and again I pulled over my "hotrod" Police Officer Ernie approached my vehicle and said "Soph, You were not only SPEEDING, but you were SWERVING all over the hall, this only leads me to believe you are driving under the influence", just then Ernie unbuckled his trousers, pulled out his manhood and said, " I'm afraid you're gonna have to take the Breathalizer..."
-Becky
I will neva forget it ya know....
My boyfriend Ernie got a odd looking envelope in the mail today, so I opened it up and you'll never believe what it said...
Dear Ernie
We regret to inform you that your application to model Trojan Condoms has been rejected.
Although your general physical appearance is not displeasing, or Board of Directors feels that you do not achieve the positive, romantic image we are seeking for this product.
A loose, baggy and wrinkled condom does not promote a romantic image.
(Your ingenious use of Polygrip is admirable, but unfortunately, even that did not result in securing our product in place long enough for the photograph to be taken.)
Your interest in Trojan Condoms is appreciated, and we will retain your application on file in case the market for micro mini condoms ever shows the potential for development.
Along with out thanks to you, we send your wife, girlfriend, or boyfriend our deepest sympathy.
Sincerely,
Peter Skinner
Director of Advertising
Trojan Condoms Co. Inc.
Ernie will be sooooo disappointed.
-Margo
I will NEVER forget it you know..
It was the occasion of the birth of my girlfriend Clementine's first child...
So there Clementine is.. at the hospital and she gives birth to a baby, and afterwards, the doctor comes in, and he says, "I have to tell you something about your baby."
Now, Clementine not to take bad news lying down sits up in bed and says, "What's wrong with my baby, Doctor? What's wrong???"
The doctor says, "Well, now, nothing's wrong, exactly, but your baby is a little bit different. Your baby is a hermaphrodite."
Clementine says to him, "A hermaphrodite... what's that???"
The doctor says, "Well, it means your baby has the...er...features... of a male and a female."
At that, Clementine turns completely pale. And says, "Oh my god! You mean it has a penis... AND a brain?"
-CC
I WILL NEVVAH FORGET IT YA KNOW?
My girlfriend Clementine is a filthy vulgar old broad. The other day she rang me up and said to me, "Soph, what kind of meat does the Pope eat?"
I said "Clementine, I have absolutely no idea."
She said, "Soph -he's a vegetarian! He eats nun (none)!"
-SPIN
I will neva forget it ya know...
I had YET ANOTHER dream I died and went to heaven.... As St. Peter was processing me, I heard a woman screaming in pain. I looked in a room and saw a group of angels drilling holes in the woman's shoulders to fasten the wings to her.
Then I heard a man screaming and saw angels drilling holes in his head to fasten the halo to him.
"I don't want to go to heaven," I told St. Peter. "I'll go to the ....other place."
"You want to go to hell?" he replies. "They rape and sodomize you down there."
"I don't give a rat's ass," I said. "At least I already have holes for that."
-Jimbo
I will nevah forget it you know,
Ernie went to the drug store and asked the pharmacist for viagra.The pharmacist said "That's no problem.How many doyou want?"
Ernie answered"Just a few, maybe four,but cut each one in four pieces."
The pharmacist said"That won't do you any good"
Ernie said"That's alright,I don't need them for sex with Soph anymore,I'm 80 years old.I just want it to stick out far enough so I don't piss on my shoes!"
-Jack
I WILL NEVA FORGET IT YA Know...
serves the bastard right though. Ernie and I had a terrible fight on our vacation last year, so we split for the night. Ernie was walking along the strip in Las Vegas and starts a coversation with a hooker. He eventually asks the hooker, "How much do you charge?"
The hooker replies, "It starts at $500 for a hand-job."
Ernie says, "$500 dollars! For a hand-job! No hand-job is worth that kind of money!"
The hooker says, "Do you see that Denny's on the corner?"
Ernie says "Yes."
"Do you see the Denny's about a block further down?"
Ernie says "Yes."
"And beyond that, do you see that third Denny's?"
Again, Ernie says "Yes."
"Well," says the hooker, smiling invitingly, "I own those. And, I own them because I give a hand-job that's worth $500."
Ernie the schmuck says, "What the hell? You only live once. I'll give it a try."
They retire to a nearby motel. A short time later, Ernie is sitting on the bed realizing that he just experienced the hand-job of a lifetime, worth every bit of $500. He is so amazed, he says, "I suppose a blow-job is $1,000?"
The hooker replies, "$1,500."
"$1,500? My God! No blow-job could be worth that. A televangelist wouldn't pay that for a blow-job!"
The hooker replies, "Step over here to the window, big boy. Do you see that casino just across the street? I own that casino outright. And I own it because I give a blow-job that's worth every cent of $1,500."
Ernie, being a man and basking in the afterglow of that terrific hand-job, decides to put off the new car for another year or so, and says, "Sign me up."
Ten minutes later, he is sitting on the bed more amazed than before. He can scarcely believe it but he feels he truly got his money's worth. He decides to dip into the retirement savings for one glorious and unforgettable experience. He asks the hooker, "How much for some pussy?"
The hooker says, "Come over here to the window, I want to show you something. Do you see how the whole city of Las Vegas is laid out before us, all those beautiful lights, gambling palaces, and showplaces?"
Ernie says, in awe, "Are you telling me you own the whole goddamn city?"
The hooker replies, "No. But I would if I had a pussy."
-Jimbo