Here is the continuing saga of Soph... the sixth page of the Soph inspired jokes written by the fans... ENJOY!!!
I Will Never forget it you know....
In a tiny village lived an old maid, named Sophie. In spite of her old age, she was still a virgin. She was very proud of it. She knew her last days were getting closer, so she told her unsatisfied boyfriend Ernie that she wanted the following inscription on her tombstone: "Here lies Soph: Born as a virgin, lived as a virgin, died as a virgin" and that she wanted him to personally carve it.
Not long after, Soph died peacefully, and Ernie remembered what his dear old Soph had said. Ernie went to carve it in, but as the lazy no-good he was, he thought the inscription to be unnessarily long. He simply wrote: "Here lies Soph: Returned unopened."
- kase
I will Never forget it you know...
Ernie goes over to Louie's house and knocks on the door, it opens and there stands Clementine "Is Louie home?" he asks.
She replies "No, I'm sorry. He's gone out to run a few errands."
"Would you mind if I came in and waited for a few minutes?"
She opens the door and he follows her down the hall and into the kitchen. "I can't help but notice how beautiful your breasts look in that robe Clementine. I will pay you $100 if I could just see one of them."
Clementine thinks it over for a moment and figures why not, it is a $100. She opens her robe exposing one of her breasts Ernie reaches for his wallet, pulls out a $100 bill and throws it on the table. Shortly there after while drinking his coffee he sks, "Your breast was so beautiful, I've got to see them both at the same time, I will pay you another $100 if you will show me them both."
She once again thinks for a moment and decides, what the hell and opens her robe giving Ernie a good long look. He then opens his wallet, grabs another $100 throws it on the table and says, "I can't wait any longer, I must get going. Please tell Louie I came by."
About ten minutes pass and Louie comes home. Clementine meets him in the hall and says, "Ernie came by, you just missed him, he left ten minutes ago."
Louie replies, "Did he drop off the $200 bucks he owes me?"
Kase
I'll NEVA forget it, ya knooooowww?
My dear Clementine, my poor dear sweet Clementine,and her husband Louie were driving down the interstate yesterday, doing Louie's usual 55mph. Well, Clementine had something to tell him, and it just couldn't wait anymore."Honey", she said, "I know we've been married for 15 years, but I want a divorce".
Louie said nothing, but slowly increased his speed to 60mph. Clementine continued, "I don'twant you to try to talk me out of it, because I have been having an affair with Ernie and he's a better lover than you!"
Again Louie sped up as his anger increased. She then said "I want the house."
Again Louie sped up, and was now doing 70mph. She said "I want the kids too."
Louie just kept driving faster, and faster got up to 80mph.
She said,"I want the car, the checking account and all the credit cards too."
Louie slowly started to veer toward a brige overpass piling, as Clementine said,"Is there anything you want?"
Louie looked at her and said,"No, I've got everything I need."
She asked, "what's that?"
Louie replied just before they hit the wall at 90mph, "I've got the airbag!"
-Twanger
I will NEVA forget it ya know...
Ernie was sitting at home one evening, when the doorbell rang. When he answered the door, a 6 foot tall cockroach was standing there. The cockroach immediately punched him between the eyes and scampered off. I said to him "Ernie, what the HELL was that?"
Ernie, thinking he was losing his mind, said "Nothing Soph." The next evening, Ernie was sitting at home when the doorbell rang again. When he answered the door, the cockroach was there again.
This time, it punched him, kicked him and karate chopped him before running away. In the morning when he woke he was all black and blue - I said to him "ERNIE, what the HELL happened?"
"Nothing Soph" he responded once again.
The third evening, Ernie was sitting at home when the doorbell rang. When he answered the door, the cockroach was there yet again. It leapt at him and stabbed him several times before running off. The gravely injured Ernie managed to crawl to the telephone and summoned an ambulance.
He was rushed to intensive care, where they saved his life.
The next morning, the doctor was doing his rounds. He asked Ernie what happened, so he explained about the 6 foot cockroach's attacks, culminating in the near fatal stabbing.
The doctor thought for a moment and said, "Yes, there's a nasty bug going around."
-Jimbo
I will never forget it you know..
Ernie goes out to the bar with his buddies and stays later than he intended to. He says, "Soph is going to kill me, I was supposed to be home hours ago."
At this point the bartender steps up and says, " I can save your relationship if you do what I tell you."
"When you get home without saying a word, sneak into the bedroom, crawl under the covers and bury your face in between Sopie's legs and eat that taco like you haven't eaten in weeks."
Without hesitation Ernie did as he was told. Ernie knew he was doing it right because of all the moaning that was taking place. After he completed his task, Ernie went to the bathroom to clean up.
As he opened the door, much to his suprise there stood Soph. At which time she whispered to him, "You must be quiet Ernie, my mother is spending the weekend and she is sleeping in our bed."
Sue
I Will Neva Forget it Ya know...
Ernie went into the social security office to apply for Social Security. After waiting in line for a long time he got to the counter. The woman behind the counter asked him for his driver's license to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home.
"Will I have to go home and come back now?" Ernie asked.
The woman said, "Unbutton your shirt."
So, like a schmuck, Ernie opened his shirt, revealing lots of curly, silver hair.
She said, "That silver hair is proof enough for me," and processed his Social Security application.
When he got home, he excitedly told me about his experience at the Social Security office.
I said to him "Ernie, you should have dropped your pants, you might have qualified for disability, too!"
-jimbo
I will never forget it you know....
Ernie walks into the front door of a bar. He is obviously drunk and staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool and, with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender politely informs Ernie that it appears he has already had plenty to drink and that he could not be served additional liquor. The bartender offers to call a cab for him.
Ernie is briefly surprised, then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down from the bar stool and staggers out the front door.
A few minutes later, Ernie stumbles in the side door of the bar. He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink. The bartender comes over and - still politely if not more firmly - refuses service to him and again offers to call a cab.
Ernie looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head.
A few minutes later, Ernie bursts in through the back door of the bar. He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits, and belligerently orders a drink. The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds him that he is drunk and will be served no drinks. He then tells him that he can either call a cab or the police immediately.
A surprised Ernie looks at the bartender and in hopeless anguish cries, "Man! How many bars do you work at?"
- Kasey
I will never forget it you know...
Soph, aged 65 and Louie, 67, went to the doctor's office. The Doctor asked them, "What can I do for you?" Louie said, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?" The doctor looked confused but agreed. When Soph and Louie had finished, the doctor said, "There is nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse." And he charged them $20.00.
This happened several weeks in a row. Soph and Louie would make an appointment, have intercourse, pay the doctor and leave. Finally the doctor asked, "Please explain, just exactly what are you trying to find out?"
Louie responded, "We're not trying to find out anything. Soph is married and we can't go to her house. I am married and we can't go to my house. The Sheraton Hotel charges $52.00 and Hilton Hotel charges $37.00. We do it here for $20.00 and I get $18.00 back from from the insurance company for a visit to the doctors office.
- kase
I Will Never forget it you know...
18 year old Ernie goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks Ern which pack he wants. "Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's "the" night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that. Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack." Ernie makes his purchase and leaves.
Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with Soph and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing, and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes.
Soph leans over and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person, Ernie."
Ernie leans over to her and whispers, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist."
-Kasey
I will NEVAH forget it ya know!!
Me and my boyfriend Ernie wanted to join a new church in our neighborhood. We met with the minister and he said: "In order for you to become a member of this church you must abstain from sex for two weeks. At the end of the two weeks you will be inducted into our congregation." I told the minister: "That shouldn't be a problem and we will see you in two weeks."
The two weeks pasted and Ernie and I went to see the minister again. The minister asked if we were able to abstain from sex for the two weeks. I had to tell him the truth and I said: "No. We did fine the first day. But on the second day I dropped a gallon of paint and the next thing I knew Ernie lifted my dress and violated me from behind for a good fifteen minutes."
The minister looked at me and said: "I'm sorry. But you are not welcome to join this church."
And I said: "That's ok because I'm not welcome back at Home Depot either!!"
Mark
I'll neva forget it ya knooooow?
I was just a wee thing, way back when, and one day, my father went to get a haircut, and brought me along with him. He parked me right next to the barber chair he was sitting in and gave me a snack cake to shut me up, for I was a bit of a bratty thing back then. The barber looked at me, and said "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your Twinkie."
To which I said, "Yes I know, I'm gonna get boobies too!"
-=Susan=-
I will neva forget it ya know
Ernie is a 95-year-old man who lives in a senior citizens home. Every night after dinner, Ernie goes to the secluded garden behind the center to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life. One evening Clemintine, at 87 years of age, wanders into the garden and asks if she can join Ernie. "Of course" Ernie replies. "Have a seat!"
They begin to chat and before they know it, several hours have passed engaged in pleasant conversation.
After a short lull, Ernie turns to Clementine and says "Do you know what I miss most of all at age 95?"
"No, what would that be, Ernie?"
"Sex" Ernie confesses somewhat sheepishly.
"Why you old fart, you couldn’t get it up if I held a gun to your head!" says Clementine.
"I know, but it would be nice if a woman would just hold it far a while" replies Ernie.
"I can oblige" says Clementine, and gently removes his manhood from his trousers, and proceeds to simply hold it.
After a while, they agree to secretly meet every Wednesday night in the garden for friendly conversation and the holding of Ernie’s member. Several weeks go by as agreed.
After six or seven weeks, Clementine arrives at their spot, but Ernie is nowhere to be found. A bit confused, she decides to walk around the rear of the Senior Center to the men’s dormitory to see if Ernie is all right.
About halfway to her destination, she passes the pool area, and sees Ernie sitting next to the spa with another woman. Clementine approaches the couple, and to her amazement sees that the woman is holding Ernie's manhood.
"You old two-timing fossil!" she announces loudly. "I can’t believe you stood me up for another woman! What does this hussy have that I don’t have?" Clementine asks.
Ernie smiles, looks up at her and replies, "Parkinson’s"
Margo
I will nevah forget it ya know . . .
After about our third date Ernie finally invited me back to his place. We went up to his room and I suggested that we 69.
"What's that?" Ernie asked in his naivety, or stupidity, whichever it is.
I explained, "That's when I put my head between your legs and you put your head between mine."
I still don't think Ernie understood, but he went along with it. Well, no longer had he stuck his head down there than I had a gaseous attack! The cheese was cut!
"What the hell was that?" Ernie asked.
"So sorry," I said, "Let's try it again."
Well once again as soon as he got down there I broke wind yet again! Ernie got up and put his clothes on.
"What are you doing?" I asked.
He said, "If you think I'm going to sit around for 67 more of those, you're crazy!"
brian
I will never forget it you know...
After years of being a gynecologist, Ernie has a mid-life crisis. He leaves the medical profession and becomes an auto mechanic. He goes to a school for auto mechanics. Pretty soon, it's time for his final exam.
When he gets his test paper back he sees that the instructor gave him a grade of 200.
"I thought the highest you could score on a test was 100," Ernie says.
The instructor says, "I gave you a 50 for taking the engine apart correctly, 50 for putting it back together correctly, and another 100 for doing it all through the muffler."
Kase
I will never forget it you know..
Back in the day Ernie used to be one of the "higher-ups" in a local corporate firm.
One day the boss called him into the office and said, "Ernie, money's getting tight around here and we have to lay some people off, so either Clementine or Jack is going to have to go."
"But sir," Ernie said, "Clementine is my best worker. But Jack has a wife and kids. I don't know what to do."
"Well you'll have to think of something," the boss said.
Later that day when Clementine came in to work Ernie called her into the confence room.
"I'm having a dilemma," he told her. "The boss says money's getting tight. I have to lay you or Jack off and I don't know what to do."
"Well," said Clementine, "you'd better jack off because I have a headache."
-brian
I Will Neva Forget it, ya knoooow!
When poor Ernie was a kid, he wasn't exactly the most popular boy. One day a group of friends took pity on him and invited him to play in a baseball game. It was the first time he had ever seen the sport so he sat quietly. The first batter approached the plate, took a few swings and then hit a double.
Everyone was on their feet screaming "Run, Run."
This happened two more times, with a single and a triple. Poor Ernie was now excited and ready to get into the game.
The next batter came up and four balls went by. The umpire called "walk" and the batter started on a slow trot to first.
Ernie, extremely excited now, stood up and screamed, "R-R-Run man, rrrun!"
WELL, everyone around him started laughing. So Ernie, extremely embarrassed, sat back down.
A friendly fan, seeing Ernie's embarrassment, leaned over and said, "He can't run -- he got four balls."
Poor stupid Ernie stood up and screamed, "Walk with pride, man...walk with pride!"
-Jimbo
I WILL NEVA FORGET IT YA KNOOOOOOW!
My poor girlfriend Clementine has a man in her office that walks up to her each day,stands very close to her, draws in a large breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice. After a week of this she can't stand it any longer!
So, Clementine goes into her supervisor's office and tells him that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit against the man and explains why.
The supervisor is puzzled by this and says what's wrong with the co-worker telling you your hair smells nice? Clementine replies, "He's a midget."
-jimbo
I will never forget it you know....
Sophie had just got married and she was still a virgin. So, on her wedding night,staying at her mother's house, she was nervous. But her mother reassured her.
"Don't worry, Soph, Ernie's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take care of you."
So up she went. When she got upstairs, Ernie took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says, "Mama, Mama, Ernie's got a big hairy chest."
"Don't worry, Sophie," says the mother," all good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you."
So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Ernie took off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again, Sophie ran downstairs to her mother.
"Mama, Mama, Ernie took off his pants and he's got hairy legs!"
"Don't worry. All good men have hairy legs. Ernie's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take good care of you."
So up she went again. When she got up there, Ernie took off his socks and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Sophie saw this, she ran downstairs.
"Mama, Mama, Ernie's got a foot and a half!"
"Stay here and stir the pasta," the mother says. "This is a job for Mama!"
-Kasey
I will never forget it you know...
A young Ernie (before his Soph days) was ambling through a crowded street fair when he decided to stop and sit at a Palm Reader's table.
Said the mysterious old woman, "For fifteen dollars, I can read your love line and tell your romantic future."
Ernie readily agreed and the reader took one look at his open palm and said, "I can see that you have no girlfriend."
"That's true," said Ernie.
"Oh my goodness, you are extremely lonely, aren't you?"
"Yes," Ernie shamefully admitted. "That's amazing. Can you tell all of this from my love line?"
"Love line? No, from the calluses."
-Kasey
I Will neva Forget it Ya know....
Our son as a young man had joined the Army and signed up with the paratroopers. He went though the standard training, completed the practice jumps from higher and higher structures, and finally went to take his first jump from an airplane.
The next day, he called home to his father to tell him the news. "So, did you jump?" Ernie asked.
"Well, let me tell you what happened. We got up in the plane, and the sergeant opened up the door and asked for volunteers. About a dozenmen got up and just walked out of the plane!"
"Is that when you jumped?" asked Ernie.
"Um, not yet. Then the sergeant started to grab the other men one at a time and throw them out the door."
"Did you jump then?" asked Ernie.
"I'm getting to that. Every one else had jumped, and I was the last man left on the plane. I told the sergeant that I was too scared to jump. Hetold me to get off the plane or he'd kick my ass."
"So, did you jump?"
"Not then. He tried to push me out of the plane, but I grabbed onto the door and refused to go. Finally he called over to the Jump Master. The Jump Master is this great big guy, about six-foot five, and 250 pounds. He said to me, "Boy, are you gonna jump or not?"
I said, "No, sir. I'm too scared" So the Jump Master pulled down his zipper and took his penis out. I swear, it was about ten inches long and as big around as a baseball bat! He said, 'Boy, either you jump out that door, or I'm sticking this little baby up your ass.'"
"So, did you jump?" asked Ernie."
Well, a little.... at first."
-Jimbo
I will nevah forget it, you know!
When Ernie was in his younger years (it was oh so long ago) and had just moved from his parents house, he decided to live in a nudist colony.
Before long he received a letter from his mother asking how he was and requesting a picture of him in his new surroundings. Too embarrassed to tell his very own mother he was living as a nudist, Ernie took a picture, cut it in half and sent his mother the top half.
The next week another letter arrived from his mother asking him to send his grandmother a picture as well. Ernie did the same thing, but, being the schmuck that he is, accidentaly put the bottom half of the picture in the mail!
Young Ernie was embarrassed, but rememberd his grandmothers poor eyesight and hoped she wouldn't notice. The next week a letter came from his grandmother.
"You look nice," it said, "but you need a haircut. That one makes your nose look too short."
- brian
I Will NEVA forget it ya know
- my poor girlfriend Clementine was feeling a little odd, so her husband ran her on over to the doctor for a checkup. He went to the Doctor's office the next day to collect Clementine's test results.
The receptionist said "I'm sorry, sir, but there has been a bit of a mix-up and we have a problem. When we sent Clementine's samples to the lab, the samples from another patient were sent as well and we are now uncertain which one is your wife's. Frankly, that's either bad or terrible."
Clementine's husband said "What do you mean?"
The receptionist said: "Well, one patient has tested positive for Alzheimer's disease and the other for herpes. We cannot tell which is your wife."
Clementine's husband was appalled! He screamed "That's terrible! What am I supposed to do now?"
So the receptionist said: "The doctor recommends that you drop Clementine off in the middle of town and if she finds her way home, don't f#@k her."
-Jimbo
I Will NEVA forget it ya know....
One day I was cleaning our son Ernie junior's room. All of a sudden in the closet I found an S&M magazine. This was highly upsetting to me! I hid the magazine until Ernie got home and showed it to him. He looked at it and handed it back to me without a word.
So finally I asked him, "Well Ernie, what the hell should we do about this?"
Ernie looked me sqare in the eye and said, "Well Soph, I don't think you should spank him!"
-Jimbo
I will never forget it you know...
Louie woke up one morning immensely aroused so he turned over to his girlfriend's side of the bed. His girlfriend, Clementine, had already awakened though, and she was downstairs preparing breakfast in the kitchen.
Afraid that he might spoil things by getting up, Louie called his little nephew into the room and asked him to "bring this note to your Auntie Clementine."
The note read:
The Tent Pole Is Up,
The Canvas Is Spread,
The Hell With Breakfast,
Come Back To Bed.
Clementine, grinning, answered the note and then asked the boy to "bring this to your silly Uncle." The note read:
Take The Tent Pole Down,
Put The Canvas Away,
The Monkey Had A Hemorrhage,
No Circus Today.
Louie read the note and quickly scribbled a reply. Then, he asked he asked the boy to take it back to "the lady in the kitchen". The note read:
The Tent Pole's Still Up,
And The Canvas Still Spread,
So Drop What You're Doing,
And Come Give Me Some Head.
Laughing, Clementine answered the note and then told her nephew to "take this to the poor dude upstairs". The note read:
I'm Sure That Your Pole's
The Best In The Land.
But I'm Busy Right Now,
Do It By Hand!
-TAB
I'll nevah forget it ya know...
Ernie and I had been married for 25 years and were celebrating Ernie's 60th birthday. During the party, a fairy appeared and said that because we'd been such a loving couple all those years, she would give us one wish each.
I said, "We've been so poor all these years, and I've never gotten to see the world. I wish we could travel all over the world." The fairy waved her wand and POOF! I had the tickets in my hand.
Next, it was Ernie's turn. He paused for a moment, and then said, "Well, I'd like to be married to a woman 30 years younger than me."
The fairy waved her wand and POOF! He was 90.
- kasey
I will never forget it you know...
You know ... my girlfriend Clementine, tho I love her dearly, has never been the brightest lightbulb in the pack if ya know what I mean...
We'd decided to take a flight to Hawaii, to see the birthplace of the Divine Miss M, to check out the beaches and to flaunt our stuff in a couple of bikinis...
Fifteen minutes into the flight from NYC to Hawaii, the captain announced, "Ladies and gentlemen, one of our engines has failed. There is nothing to worry about. Our flight will take an hour longer than scheduled, but we still have three engines left."
Thirty minutes later the captain announced, "One more engine has failed and the flight will take an additional two hours. But don't worry, we can fly just fine on two engines."
An hour later the captain announced, "One more engine has failed and our arrival will be delayed another three hours. But don't worry, we still have one engine left."
My dear dear Clementine turns to me in the next seat and she says to me, "Oh no Soph, we lose one more engine, we'll be up here all day!"
CC