Here is the continuing saga of Soph... the Seventh page of the Soph inspired jokes written by the fans... ENJOY!!!
I'll never forget it, Ya knoooow,
When I first met my boyfriend Ernie, I was at the tv and he was on it. He was doing a speech about safe sex. After the show, I emailed him to tell him how much I loved the show.
That night, one thing lead to another, and the cyber world consumed my virginity. We met each other at a park in New York, and we made love that night. After an hour of lovemaking, Ernie said to me, "Soph, I am quadrasexual. I 'll do anything, to anyone.-For a quarter.
-brian_12
I'll never forget it,
I was pregnant by a man who I had met on line. (Not by fortunately by my lover ernie)
When the baby was born, It did not cry. It said "You Got Mail"
That is what it said!
-brian_12
I Will Nevah Forget it ya know....
Ernie and I were on our honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate our marriage, when I felt a pang of conscience. I said to Ernie, "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin."
Ernie replied, "That's no big thing in this day and age."
I said "Yeah, I've been with one guy."
"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"
"Tiger Woods."
"Tiger Woods, the golfer?"
"Yeah."
"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."
Ernie and I then make passionate love. When we were done, Ernie - always thinking about either sex or food, gets up and walks to the telephone.
"What are you doing?" I ask.
Ernie says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat."
"Tiger wouldn't do that."
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."
So Ernie puts down the phone and comes back to bed to make love a second time. When we finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone.
"Now what are you doing?" I ask.
Ernie says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat."
"Tiger wouldn't do that."
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
"He'd come back to bed and do it again."
Well, Ernie slams down the phone, comes back to bed, and makes love one more time. When we
finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.
I ask, "Are you calling room service?"
Ernie says "NO! I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out what's par for this damn hole!"
-Jimbo
I will Neva forget it ya know....
The other day Ernie said to me "Hey Soph, how do ya know you're watching a bad porno?" I said
"Jeez Ernie, I have absolutely not the slightest idea."
He then rambles off all these reasons - filthy pig that he is - he says "well Soph I'll give ya 15 good ways to tell it's a bad porno:
15. The title, "Clementine Tries Abstinence," was your first clue, Chester.
14 You hear "Oh, that's my neighbor, Bea Arthur. She just comes over to use the shower sometimes."
13 The movie poster says "All Asians! All Amateur!! All Algorithms!!!"
12 You hear "Okay, Ms. Lewinsky -- arch your back a little and moan."
11 It's not so much Smurfette and Papa Smurf, but the whole thing with Gargamel and Asriel is frightening.
10 I say, the entire cast is British!
9 You know there's going to be some really kinky sex if the coyote ever catches that road runner.
8 You find yourself fantasizing -- about getting your work done at the office.
7 After 5 minutes, I say to you "So Soph, What's on PBS?"
6 Since when is Elian a twenty-something gardner and Janet Reno a buxom redhead?
5 "Co-starring Martha Raye"
4 Way too much gratuitous plot development.
3 You hear Pee Wee Herman snoring in the seat behind you.
2 "Meesa horny, yes me am."
1 Music by Christopher Cross.
-Jimbo
I will never forget it you know...
Sophie was preparing to board a plane when she heard that the Pope was on that very same flight.
"Oh my Gawd", thought Soph "what a THRILL! I've always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I'll be able to see him in person."
Imagine her surprise when the Pope sat down in the seat next to our girl. Sophie, being hit with a rare attack of shyness, couldn't speak to the Pontiff. Shortly after take-off, the Pope began a crossword puzzle.
"WOW, this is fantastic," thought the Sophie, "I'm really good at crosswords. Perhaps, if the Pope gets stuck, he'll ask me for assistance."
Almost immediately, the Pope turned to Soph and said, "Soph, (he always called her Soph - work with me here....) do you know a four letter word referring to a woman that ends in 'unt'?"
Well Sophie let out a gasp! Only one word leapt to her filthy, vulgar, mind. "My goodness," she thought "I can't tell the Pope that word. There MUST be another one."
She thought and thought and for quite a while, then it hit her. Turning to the pope, Sophie smiled sweetly and said, "I think the word you're looking for, your reverence is 'aunt'."
"Of course," said the Pope. "Bless you my dear. Would you by any chance have an eraser?"
~ ~ ~ Seafree... Surfin' the Web Without a Wave! ~ ~ ~
I will nevah forget it!!
My girlfriend Clementine used to love to work overtime, if you catch my drift. After hitting the pavement on a particularly slow night, she decided to rest for a bit in the corner bar.
Upon walking in she noticed that a man at the bar was staring at her. He was obviously smitten with her gorgeous facade, and Clementine knew she could make something off of him.
She walked up to the man and said, "I will do anything you want, absolutely anything, for $100." The mans eyes widened at this prospect. But as he opened his mouth, Clementine said, "BUT, you must make your request in only three words."
The mans brow furrowed a bit, but he slowly pulled 5 $20 bills out of his wallet, put them in Clementine's hand and said to her, "paint my house."
brian
I will never forget it you know...
It was a blustery day, and as a fierce wind swirled down the city street, a policeman noticed Sophie standing on the corner, tightly holding on to her hat as her skirt blew up over her waist.
"Soph (policemen always called her Soph,)" yelled the cop, "what the hell do you think you're doing? While you're holding onto your hat, everybody's getting a good look at everything you got!"
"WELL," replied our Sophie, "What they're looking at is over 60-years-old! The hat is BRAND NEW!"
seafree
I will NEVAH forget it, you know!!
My girlfriend Clementine was particularly despondent over the recent death of her boyfriend Louie. One night she called me and she said to me "Soph, I can't live without Louie! I'm gonna kill myself and join him in the great beyond!!"
Well, I couldn't talk her out of it, so I said to her "Clementine, how are you gonna do it?"
And Clementine said to me "Soph, I'm gonna use Louie's old army pistol and shoot myself in the heart! And just to make sure I get it right, I called my doctor and asked him just where the heart is in a woman!"
"Clementine" I said, "What the hell did he say?" "He told me it was just below the left breast."
Well, I tried again to talk her out of it, but Clementine can be stubborn, not unlike my own self! So I said goodbye to Clementine, and waited to hear about her demise.
Well, later that night, the phone rings...it was Clementine. "Soph" she said, "you gotta come take me to the hospital!"
I said to her, "Clementine, what the hell happened??" Clementine said to me "Soph, I JUST SHOT MYSELF IN THE KNEE!!!"
Alecia
I will never forget it ya know.
My girlfriend Clementine, at 80, had fallen in love with Louie and was about to get married. Clementine had heart trouble and knew she should tell Louie but couldn’t find the courage.
On their honeymoon night, Louie started to get romantic and he pulled down her left bra strap and this skinny old long boob fell out of her bra (nearly to her knees). She knew she must tell him about her heart condition but couldn't bring herself to. He pulled down her right bra strap and another skinny long boob fell out nearly to her knees. Then she told Louie "Wait, wait,....before we go any further I must tell you something...I have ACUTE ANGINA!"
Louie replied "THANK GOD...cause you have really UGLY TITTIES!!!!"
Tracy
I will nevah forget it ya know . . .
Ernie was starting to get up there in years (aren't we all), and so to put some extra spice in our extra-curricular activites and bought him some Viagra.
While Ernie took his dose in the bathroom, I sprawled myself out on the bed, preparing for the torents of passion soon to come. A minute later Ernie walked into the room, lied down on the bed and promptly began snoring. This was hardly the effect I was looking for.
The next morning at breakfast I attacked him for it. "That Viagra sure ain't workin'!" I yelled.
"Soph, it's gonna take more than Viagra to help me," he said. "I think Alzheimers is setting in."
"What do you mean?" I asked, "Did you forget to take it?"
"Oh, I took it all right, but by the time I got to the bed, I forgot why I was heading there in the first place!"
brian
I will nevah forget it ya know....
My girlfriend Clementine asked me just the other day "Soph, how do you spot the blind guy at a nudist colony?"
I scratched my head, I said "I have no idea Clementine how the HELL do you spot the blind guy at a nudist colony??"
Clementine said to me "It's not hard, Soph!"
-Jimbo
I will never forget it you know...
I went to visit my girlfriend Clementine the other day, and found that she wasn't home. So i sat with her husband Louie and had a chat.
Louie was boasting to me about he was taking Clementine to Rome for their 40th wedding anniversary.
"What will you do for your 50th?" i asked.
"I'll go and get her." he replied.
Kase
I'll never forget it, ya know....
It was a dark and stormy nite-and leave it to soph-she decided that would be a good time to go into labor. The phones were out, and Ernie couldn't get a Dr fast enough so he hollered over the fence for Clementine to come right over to assist in the delivery.
So Clementine, like a schmuck, shlepps over to Soph and Ernie's to help in the delivery. since there was no electricty, Clementine handed Ernie a lantern and said, "Ernie, hold this lantern high so i can see what i am doing."
Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world. "Whoa there," said Clementine. "Don't be in such a rush to put the lantern down, Ernie, I think there's going to be another one to come."
Sure enough... within minutes Soph had another baby boy, then Clementine says to Ernie, "No, no...don't be in such a hurry to put that lantern down Ernie. I think there's another one in there!"
At which point Ernie scratched his head in bewilderment and says "Clementine, do you think it's the light that's attracting them?"
- yiddishmensch
I will nevah forget it you know!
Our grandson, who is engaged to be married, was visiting the other day and he decided to ask Ernie about sex.
"Well," Ernie said, "when you're young you want sex all the time and probably have it a few times a day. After a while it tapers down and you have it about once a week. Once you get older you probably have sex once a month, and then when you get really old you're lucky to have it once a year."
"Well how about you and Grandma Soph?" he asked.
"Oh, we just have oral sex now," Ernie said.
"What's that?" our naive grandson asked.
Ernie explained, "Soph goes to sleep in her bedroom and I go to sleep in mine. She yells at me, 'Fuck you!' and I yell back, 'Fuck you too!'"
That is what he said!
-Brian