Here is where it all began, the first page of the Soph inspired jokes written by the fans... ENJOY!!!
I will Neva for get it ya know....
The other morning Ernie says to me "Ya know Soph, I haven't really been feelin' myself lately."
I said to him "And it's a good goddamn thing too Ernie, that was a terrible habit you had!" And I meant it too goddammit!
-Jimbo
I will neva forget it ya know....
I was with my Girlfriend Clemintine..and she just realized she was late to see the doctor..and she said, " Soph, I am on my way to see the doctor...may I
use your bathroom to freshen up ?"
I said, "well girl of course.. you need to look do in those stirups."
SO Clemintine goes into the bathroom, and then leaves for the appointment. At the appointment the doctor was beginning the examination. He chuckled and said, " you really did a lot to prepare for this examination."
Clemintine ignored the doctor...and when the exam was finished she went back to my house. "Soph," Clemintine said, " I just had the most unusal examination...the doctor noticed that I took exta time to prepare."
I said, " Well that's Great...by the way Clemintine, did you happen to see the washcloth full of glitter that was on the counter this morning?"
-Jami
I Will Neva forget it ya know...
Ernie decided one day to take his frail,elderly mother to a nursing home and left her, hoping she would be well cared for.
The next morning, the nurses bathed her, fed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden. She seemed okay, but after a while she slowly started to tilt sideways in her chair. An attentive nurse immediately rushed up to catch her and straighten her up.
Again she seemed okay, but after a while she slowly started to tilt over to her other side. The Nurse rushed back and once more brought her back upright. This went on all morning.
Later, Ernie and I arrived to see how the old woman was adjusting to her new home. "So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?" said Ernie.
"It's pretty nice," she replied. "Except Nurse Mother-F@@$%r won't let me fart!"
-Jimbo
I'll NEVAH forget it ya know!!
Me and my boyfriend Ernie were visting our bank loan officer in order to pay for Ernie's penile implant. Just as the meeting was about to be over, the loan officer leaned over and blew a rip-roaring fart!!
I looked at the young man and said: "How dare you fart before me!!"
And he said: "Sorry lady, I didn't know it was your turn!!"
-Mark
I'll NEVAH forget it ya know!!
My boyfriend Ernie was always bragging about what a great golfer he is. So one Saturday morning, I decided I would show the shmuck that I could be just as good as he is.
I made an appointment at the local country club with the golf pro for my first lesson. I placed the ball on the tee, swung and the ball went way left. I placed another ball on the tee, swung and the ball went way right.
The golf pro said: "You have a good swing Soph but it's your grip. You're not gripping the club right."
"Oh?" I said. "Then how the hell should I be gripping the club!" The golf pro said: "You should grip the club like you grip your boyfriends wandaleer."
Taking the golf pro's advice, I teed up another ball, gripped the club like I grip my boyfriends wandaleer, swung and I drove the ball straight down the fareway!
"Excellent!" exclaimed the golf pro. "But now your're gonna have to work on one more thing." "What's that?" I said.
"You're gonna have to work on gripping the club with your hands instead of your mouth!!"
-Mark
I will Neva Forget it ya know...
Ernie went to see his doctor feeling a bit unwell.
The doctor checks him over and eventually finds a couple of bags of money up his a@@. He pulls them out and can't resist totaling up the value of the coins.
Well", says the doctor, "I've found $1999.99 up your a@@."
"Hmmm", replies Ernie, "That would explain why I've not been feeling too grand..."
-Jimbo
I Will Nevvah Forget It...
My nephew was staying at our farm for several weeks and I called him in for breakfast. On his way, he kicked the cow, pig, and chicken. When he saw the dry cereal on the table, he asked what it was.
"You kicked the cow" I said, "So there ain't no milk. Since you kicked the pig, no bacon. And since you kicked the chicken, no eggs."
About that time, Ernie walks in and accidentally kicks the cat out the backdoor. My nephew leans over to me and says, "Do you want me to tell him or should you?"
I will neva forget it ya know...
My granddaughter was living with me for awhile and one night she came down stairs wearing a see through shirt. I said, "Where do you think you are going dressed like that?"
"I have a date tonight and he is on his way to come pick me up."
"Well you are not leaving the house dressed like that. March right up those stairs and put something else on!"
"I don't have time he'll be here in a couple of minutes. Besides, he loves my little rosebuds."
Well she goes on her date, but the next night when she comes down the stairs, I'm sitting on the couch without my shirt on. She says, "Grandma! Put some clothes on. My date will be here any minute and he can't see you like this!"
I said, "If you think he liked your little rosebuds, then he's gonna love my hanging baskets!"
-Erica
I'll never forget it ya know...
I finally decided to MARRY ERNIE...and after 25 years of MARRIAGE, I am a shamed to tell you all.
HERE IS MY DIARY:
Day 1 -- Just celebrated our 25th anniversary with not much to celebrate. When it came time to reenact our wedding night, he locked himself in the bathroom and cried.
Day 2 -- Today he told me he has a big secret to tell me. He's impotent, he says, and wants me to be the first to know. Why doesn't he tell me something I DON'T know! I mean, give me a break! He's been dysfunctional for so long, he even WALKS with a limp!
Day 3 -- This marriage is in trouble. A woman has needs, you know! Sometimes I need something too! Yesterday, I saw a picture of the Washington Monument and burst into tears!
Day 4 -- A miracle has happened!! There's an new drug on the market that will fix his "problem". It's called Viagra. I told him that if he takes Viagra, things will be just like they were on our wedding night. He asked me if this time I would say HIS name at the "glorious moment".
Day 5 -- Oh what a glorious morning!! The sun is shining, the birds are singing. My needs have been fulfilled. Everything is perfect.
Day 6 -- Again!
Day 7 -- This Viagra thing is going to his head. (No pun intended) yesterday, at Burger King, the kid behind the counter asked him if he wanted a whopper. He told him, "No thanks. I've already got one!"
Day 8 -- I think he took too many over the weekend. Yesterday, instead of mowing the lawn, he was using his new "friend" as a weed whacker.
Day 9 -- Okay, I admit it. I'm hiding. I mean, a girl can only take so much. And to make matters worse, he's washing the Viagra down with hard cider! What am I going to do?
Day 10 -- I'm basically being drilled to death. It's like going out with Black and Decker.
Day 11 -- I wish he were gay. I've bought him the Sweatin' to the Oldies tape and he keeps coming after me.
Day 12 -- Now I know how Saddam Hussein's wife feels. Every time I shut my eyes, there's a sneak attack! It's like going to bed with a scud missile!
Day 13 -- I've done everything to turn him off. Nothing works. I even started dressing like a nun. He says penguins turn him on.
Day 14 -- I can't take it anymore. I think I'm going to have to kill him. I just worry about one thing-how will they ever get the lid to close on his casket?
-Jami
I will nevah forget it ya know?
Ernie came home at the crack of dawn one morning and I greeted him at the door. He smelled of alcohol and lipstick was on his collar.
I said to him, "What the Hell do you think you're doing here at six in the morning?"
And he smiled to me: "Breakfast".
-Spin
I'll neva forget ya know....
My boyfriend Ernie and I were on a flight to paradise. This was the first time we have been in first class.
Well, Ernie couldn't help but observe the woman across the aisle. " OH my
god, Soph, did you just see that?"
I said, "what are you seeing now Ernie?"
"The woman across the aisle sneezed and just took a tissue and gently wiped it between her legs.." Ernie expressed with great excitement...
A few minutes pass. The woman sneezes again. She took a tissue and gently wipes it between her legs. Again Ernie watched with full attention....He couldn't believe what he saw...A few more minutes pass. The woman sneezes yet again. She takes a tissue and wipes it between her legs yet again..
Finally Ernie, couldn't stand it anymore...He turned to the woman and said,""Three times you've sneezed, and three times you've taken a tissue and wiped it between your legs! What kind of signals are you sending me, or are you just trying to drive me crazy?"
She replied, " I have a rare condition such that when I sneeze, I have an orgasm."
Ernie, felt very low and said, "Oh, I'm sorry. What are you taking for it?"
She replied," Pepper."
AND thus begins the friendship with my girlfriend, CLEMENTINE.....
-Jami
Ernie said to me, "SOPH, Shall we try a different position tonight?"
I said to him, "ERNIE, That's a good idea. Why don't you stand by the sink and do the dishes, and I'll sit on the sofa and fart."
-Jami
My girlfriend Clementine, told of a situation she had one night while she was the WOMAN OF THE HOUR.
Clementine said, "Soph, just the other night a man asked me to "go downtown" so, with a sigh,I gets on my knees in front of him and I started peering at his genitals, looking and tipping my head this way and that, studying the whole business."
"Oh my" said I.
Clementine explained further. After about five minutes of this, he asked me in a sort of peeved voice "Well, just what are you doing?"
I said "I'm doing what I always do when I'm downtown with no money ... just looking."
-Jami
I will Neva forget it ya know...My girlfriend Clementine and her husband were driving down the road having a horrible fight about his deplorable infidelity. Suddenly Clementine reaches over and slices off her husband's penis. Angrily she tosses the severed appendage out the window of the car.
Driving behind the car is Ernie and I in a pickup truck with our 10 year old daughter chatting away beside us. All of a sudden, the penis smacks the pickup in the windshield and flies off.
Surprised, our daughter asks Ernie, "Daddy what in the heck was that?"
Not wanting to expose our 10 year old daughter to such sex and violence at such a tender age, the father replies, "It was only a bug, honey."
Well, our daughter gets a confused look on her face, and after a minute she says, "Sure had a big dick!"
-Jimbo
I was in bed one night with my boyfriend Ernie. He was reading a book when he reached a finger over and fondled my private area!
He went back to reading his book and, taking it as foreplay, I jumped up in front of him wildly flashing him of my body.
He looked up at me and said, "Soph, what the hell are you doing?"
I said, "Ernie, you just fondled me, I thought it meant we were going to get busy!"
Ernie looked at me and said, "Soph, I was just wetting my fingers to turn the pages!"
-Spin
I will neva forget it ya know..
I was sitting in the living room with my boyfriend Ernie....
He looks over and says to me "Soph?" (he always calls me Soph)..
"Soph?" he says "I was looking for my teeth that had fallen out and gone
under the bed.. when I looked under there I see, a huge roll of cash, and an
egg carton with 6 eggs in it. What's with the cash and the eggs, Soph?"
"Well Ernie... every night that we had a night of not so great sex I put an
egg in the carton the next morning..."
My boyfriend Ernie gets a grin on his face... "Ahh Soph... after 20 years...
ya only got 6 eggs?"
Now Ernie's looking like the king rooster sticking his thumbs under his suspenders and puffing his chest. He looks away for a moment... then
"Soph... " he says "Soph... what about the cash?"
I says to him "Ernie... every time I got a dozen I sold em."
-CC (Allison)
I will Neva forget it ya know...you know my boyfriend Ernie and I are getting up in age. So Ernie went on his 75th birthday to his doctor's office for a sperm count test. The doctor gave Ernie a jar, told him to take it home and return the next day with a sample.
So the next day Ernie reappears at the doctor's office and gave the doctor the jar, which was as clean and empty as on previous day. The doctor asked what happened.
"Well, doc, it's like this: First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then with my left... still nothing. Then, I asked Soph for help. She tried her right hand... but nothing. Then her left... still nothing. She even tried with her mouth, both with and without her teeth... and still nothing. We even called the lady next door and she tried with both hands and her mouth too, but still nothing."
The doctor was shocked. "You asked your neighbor?"
Ernie replied, "Yep, but no matter what we tried we couldn't get the goddamn jar open!"
-Jimbo
I will Neva forget it ya know...Ernie wanted desperately to be on "Who wants to be a Millionaire." He'd watch that show constantly, quizzing himself.
Finally one night I said "Ernie, that's enough. Come to bed."
Ernie said "Well, O.K. Soph. But can we have sex?"
I said "No Ernie, I'm tired."
Ernie said "Is that your final answer?"
I said "Yes."
Ernie then says to me - "Fine. I'm going to use a lifeline and call a friend."
-Jimbo
I will NEVA forget it ya know...My girlfriend Clementine went to a plastic surgeon for a face lift. The doctor told her of a new procedure called "The Knob." This small knob is planted on the back of Clementine's head and can be turned to tighten up the skin to produce the effect of a brand new facelift forever. Of coarse Clementine wanted "the Knob."
Fifteenyears later Clementine goes back to the surgeon with 2 problems.
"Doc ya gotta help me. All these years everything had been working just fine. I've had to turn the knob on lots of occasions and I've loved the results. But now , Now I have developed two annoying problems. First of all I have got these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them"
The doctor looked at poor Clementine and said, "Those aren't bags, those are your breasts."
Clementine thought for a minute and replied, "Well, I guess that explains the goatee"
-Jimbo
I will Neva forget it ya know...Ernie and I were sitting around the other day minding our own goddamn business, when Ernie hears a knock at he door. Ernie goes, opens the door and no one is there. He looks all around and sees a little snail is sitting there on the doormat. He picks it up and throws it across the street into a field.
Ten years go by, and one day there again is a knock at the door.
"Go and see who that is out there Ernie"
"Alright Soph" so he opens the door, looks all around, and no one is there.
Finally he again sees a little snail sitting on the doormat. The snail looks at Ernie and says "What the f@*$ was that all about?"
-Jimbo
It was long before I met Ernie. I was in my prime, working as an airline attendent for Fly Boy Airlines. While I was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets, a man approached. When I extended my hand for his ticket, he opened his trench coat and flashed me. Without missing a beat I said to him, 'Sir, I asked to see your ticket, not your stub.'
-Jude
I will neva forget it, ya know. My boyfriend Ernie had bought himself one helluva nice grill. While I was bending over examining it, he says to me, "Soph, you're a@* is as big as that grill". I was so pissed at him, I didn't speak for him the rest of the day.
Later that night, we were in bed and Ernie says to me, "Soph, how's about having some sex?"
And I said to him, "Ernie: you expect me to fire up this gas grill for THAT little weenie?"
-Spin& Jimbo
"I will neva forget it ya know, I was playing cards with my girlfriend Clementine, now these were no regular playing cards no no, they had tight bodies of disrobed men on them.
I said to her "Clementine ya gotta help me do ya have a 9 club, I need it!"
And she said to me "Help you? what about me? Soph, if I had a nine inch club do ya think I would be playing cards!"
-Hilary
I Will NEVA forget it, ya know - Ernie and I were having a cocktail in a bar, and Ernie noticed a very large jar behind the bar. It's filled to the brim with ten dollar bills.
Ernie guesses there must be thousands of dollars there. "What do ya suppose that's for Soph?" he asked.
"Well how the hell should I know?" I answered.
So Ernie approaches the bartender and asks him, "What's up with the jar?"
The bartender - stunning young man - tells him, "Well, you pay ten dollars and if you pass three tests then you get all of the money."
"What are the three tests?" asked Ernie.
"Pay first. Those are the rules." says the bartender.So Ernie gives him the ten bucks and the bartender adds it to the jar with the other bills.
The bartender says "OK, here's what you have to do.... First you have to drink that whole gallon of pepper tequila, the WHOLE thing at once AND, you can't make a face while doing it.Second, there's a pit bull chained up out back with a sore tooth...you have to remove it with your bare hands. Third, there's a 90 year old woman upstairs who's never had an orgasm in her life. You gotta make things - well - right for her."
Ernie responds, "Well, I know I've paid my ten bucks but I'm not an idiot, I can't do all that... it's impossible!
"Well, you asked, and I told you... those are the rules, and your money stays in the jar."
As time goes on and Ernie, schmuck that he is, gets a little load on, he says "Soph I'm gonna get that money for you."
He asks the bartender, "Wherez zat teeqeelah?" He grabs the gallon of tequila with both hands, and downs it with a big slurp. Tears are streaming down his cheeks but he does not make a face.
Next he staggers out back and soon all the people inside hear a huge scuffle going on. They hear barking, screams, yelps and growling, and eventually silence.
Just when I thought my poor Ernie must surely be dead, he staggers back into the bar, with his shirt ripped to shreds and big scratches all over his body.
"Now," he says, "where's that woman with the sore tooth?"
-Jimbo
I will NEVA forget it, ya know... Ernie was out at the bar one night and came home terribly terribly drunk and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later a loud, blood curdling scream is heard coming from the bathroom. A few minutes later ANOTHER loud blood curdling scream reverberates through the house.
Well, I had absolutely had enough of this so I headed to the bathroom and said to him "Ernie! What the hell are you doing? Why in God's name are you screaming like that?"
Ernie said "Soph Soph I swear I'm just sitting here on the toilet and everytime I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my
balls."
With that I opened the door, looked in and said "Ernie you schmuck! Get off the mop bucket!"
-Jimbo
I will nevah forget it ya know!!!! Ernie and I had decided to dine out one evening. We went to this bar called the Main Event and sat down at a table close to the bar.
Well as we were in the process of sitting down a young woman walks in. I immediately noticed that she had INCREDIBLY hairy armpits! Looking away disgustedly, Ernie and I ordered our food.
As the girl sat down at the bar she raised her arm up to hail the bartender. Well, Ernie says out of the blue "Yeah bartender! Get that there ballerina a drink!"
I looked at Ernie as if he was crazy and went back to ordering my food. Couple mins later the girl raises her arm again for another drink...again Ernie yells: "Yeah Bartender! Get that there ballerina a drink!"
Well, I had had just about enough of this ballerina bullshit so I asked "Ernie, how the hell do you know that girl is a ballerina?!"
Ernie looks at me and grins..."Well Soph," he says, "she's GOTTA be a ballerina if she can lift her leg that high!"
-Heidi
I will NEVA forget it, ya knooow? Ernie came home one night and said to me "Soph! What is the difference between driving in the fog and uh...well..oral sex..69 style?"
I thought and thought. "I have no idea Ernie, what the hell is the difference?"
"Well," Ernie said "When driving in the fog you can't see the A@*hole in front of you!"
-Jimbo
"I will NeVA Forget it, ya knoooow? I ran into my girlfriend Clementine at our 30th class reunion. We began to talk and bring each other up to date, and our conversation covers her husband, my boyfriend Ernie, our homes, and finally...our sex lives.
Clementine says "Well, ya know Soph mine's O.K. We get it on every week or so but it's no big adventure. How's yours, Soph?"
"Well," I said, "Ernie and I have a fabulous sex life ever since we got into S & M."
Clementine almost fell over dead. "Oh my GOD SOPH! What the Hell are you Thinking! I would NEVER have guessed YOU for that"
"Oh Sure," I said," Ernie Snores while I Masturbate."
-Jimbo
I will NEVA forget it, ya know! Ya know my girlfriend Clementine isn't exactly as experienced in the ways of the world as myself, you understand.
So one day we were outside having a smoke, when it started to rain. So I pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over my cigarette, and continued smoking.
Clementine said "Hey Soph, what's that?"
I said "Clementine that's a condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet."
Clementine said "Where did you get it?"
I said "Oh you can get them at any drugstore."
The next day, Clementine hobbles into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a packet of condoms. The guy looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but politely asks what brand she prefers.
Clementine said "It doesn't matter, as long as it fits a Camel!"
-Jimbo
I will neva forget it ya know....my boyfriend Ernie had just bought a new Harley Davidson motorcycle. The man he bought it from gave him some Vasoline to rub on the seat when it starts to rain so it will protect the leather and make it last longer.
Well that night we were to have dinner at my parents house. Before we got there I told him, "Don't say a word after dinner or you'll have to do the dishes."
He said, "What do you mean?"
"Well," I said, "the first person to talk after dinner has to do the dishes."
He caught on then and we went and had dinner. After dinner it was Exceptionally quiet. No one dared speak. We moved into the living room, and still no one talked.
All of a sudden Ernie started kissing me, yet no one spoke. He threw me down on the coffee table and made love to me, still no one talked. He then proceeded to kiss my mother! However, no one talked. He then threw her down on the coffee table and made love to her!
All of a sudden, outside, there was a flash of lightning and thunder. It began to rain, so Ernie pulled out the Vasoline (to put on his motorcycle seat) and my father said, "F*@$ it! I'll do the dishes!"
-Erica