Here are some of my collected quotes of Miss M from the Stage, or from her albums, especially her comedy Album "Mud WILL Be Flung Tonight!" ...hope you enjoy!
**warning** some of these contain adult language or references

{From The Albums}
{Mud WILL Be Flung Tonight!}
{Live At Last/Bette Midler Show}
{Divine Madness}
{Diva Las Vegas}

From The Albums


"You can be just like me! A goddess? Yeah!
Don't just pussy foot around and sit on your assets.
Unleash your ferocity upon an unsuspecting world. Rise up and repeat after me: "I'm beautiful!""
(Bathhouse Betty)
"Become what you were born to be and be it unashamed..."
(Bathhouse Betty)
Mud WILL Be Flung Tonight!


"I'm living proof-Big tits means big bucks!"
(Mud WILL Be Flung Tonight)
"I used to have indiscriminate sex....but you can't do that anymore...you f@*& the wrong person these day's and your arm falls off.."
(Mud WILL be Flung Tonight)
"Well, Bruce looks fabulous. But which one of us works out, and which one does not? I work out. That's ridiculous, I work out. I jazzercise in the mornings, I arobecise at night. Let's get physical, let me hear your body talk. ---My body said, 'Fuck you!'"
(Mud WILL be Flung Tonight)
"I married a German. Every night I dress up as Poland and he invades me."
(Mud WILL be Flung Tonight)
"You ever notice how cokeheads grind their teeth? I have friends who have ground their teeth so fine, they could snort their own bicuspids."
(Mud WILL be Flung Tonight)
Live At Last/Bette Midler Show


"I don't do shows in bed no more. I'm an ARTIST."
(-Live at Last/ Bette Midler Show)
"Many of you have heard that I
was stricken by apendicitis,
but I am here to tell you the truth...
and that is...
that in a spasm of sisterly generousity...
I DONATED MY TITS TO CHER...
And she was so glad to get em
I can't even begin to tell ya!"
(-Live at Last/ Bette Midler Show)
"Shut your hole honey, mine's making money."
(Live At Last/Bette Midler Show)
"Can I Boogie? Can I Boogie? What kinda asshole question is that?"
(Live At Last/Bette Midler Show)
"We're gonna do a Neil Young song. Neil is so heavy. Neil is so mellow and laid back. I'm trying my best to be mellow and laid back. You know...I have even gone organic. Last week, I ate an Earth Shoe."
(Live At Last/Bette Midler Show)
"A Kreplach is a person from Kreplachia...which is a very small fishing nation wedged between Astonia and Latvia."
(Live At Last/Bette Midler Show)
"You know why we did this? We did this because we heard there was a depression out here in Cleveland. But y'all don't look too depressed. Except for you, honey -- you look like shit!"
(Live At Last/Bette Midler Show)
"I was walking on 42nd street one day...I said I was walkin' 42nd street, not workin' 42nd street!"
(Live At Last/Bette Midler Show)
"Anyway, I was walkin' 42nd street and I saw this lady with a fried egg on her head, which I thought was really unusual. Because, see, in NYC the ladies with the fried eggs on their heads don't usually come out until September or October, you know?"
(Live At Last/Bette Midler Show)
"The truth about fried eggs is..you can call it a fried egg..you can call it whatever you like..
but everybody gets one..
some people wear it on the outside...
some people wear it on the inside.."
(fried egg)
(Live At Last/Bette Midler Show)
"Oh a bar, a bar, a bar. You know what I like about a bar the most? The telephone. I like to use the telephone. I like to call people up long about closing time, around 3 o'clock, 4 o'clock. It REALLY pisses 'em off."
(Live At Last/Bette Midler Show)
"Just a little yoke, f@*& 'em if they can't take a joke."
(Live At Last/Bette Midler Show)
"We washed.. we showered.. we FDS'd ourselves into a stupor."
(Live At Last/Bette Midler Show) "Well, I'm making the sequel to Jaws, in which a shark gets attacked by a great white woman."
(Live At Last/Bette Midler Show)
"If you're cracking up from having lack of shacking up, if you're cracking up, why don't you pack it up and find yourself a crazy kinda love!"
(Live At Last/Bette Midler Show)
Divine Madness


"The question before us is where's her clitoris?"
(Delores: DM)
"Oh, my girls! When I first saw these girls, they were peddling their papayas on 42nd street, so flushed, so filthy. The astonishing verbal abuse they heaped upon me made me certain that we were destined to share the stage someday. Not only are my girls fine singers and dancers, not only are they gorgeous and talented, but they also think I'm GOD!"
(Divine Madness)
"How 'bout a spotlight up here, huh? How 'bout a nice white spotlight for the Diva who's sweating her guts out up here, huh?!"
(Divine Madness)
"And then a wee voice called out to me in the night and reminded me of the motto by which I've always tried to live my life: F*@k 'em if they can't take a joke!"
(Divine Madness)
Diva Las Vegas


"They love me, they hate me, but they all say shit she looks good!"
(DLV)
"All right girls. At ease. Just look at these waves of humanity stretched out before us like the Dead Sea, many of them in complete and utter shock because they have never really, truly, honestly Experienced --- the Divine."
(DLV)
"Well, well, well...who have we got down here in the front row? Yuppie swine, American Express-Gold-Card-Ticket-Holders. Paid all that money so they can watch the show like this [leaning way back and looking up], 'Wow, she's tall!'"
(DLV)
"Oy, Vegas! Ya got so respectable! Pirate battles, explosions, roller coasters...my God, the poor hookers have to dress up like Barney just to get noticed!"
(DLV)
"California is so bizzare. That's why I'm glad to be here, where it's relatively normal. You know, if you go to the hospital in Malibu and you pay with your credit card, they give you frequent flyer mileage? It's true!"
(DLV)
"Why, why, why...did Pamela Anderson and Tommy Lee break up? Did they break up? Didn't they break up? I mean, this is givin' me terrible nightmares. I still haven't gotten over Sonny and Cher!" (DLV)
"You gotta be careful what you call people these days, everyone's so F#*@in' sensitive! There are no more bald people, only the follically deprived. There are no more bed-wetters, only the nocturnally compromised. There are no more junkies, only the chemically dependant. When someone cuts the cheese in the elevator, you can no longer say, 'P.U.!'. Instead, you must say, 'Someone has been hygenically disfunctional!'. Your lawyer is not lying, he is merely adjusting his agenda. The plane is not crashing, it is simply failing to maintain altitude."
(DLV)
"Oh, I'm drifting again, there's no question. I think I'm suffering from Part Timer's. That's where you can remember some, but not all, of what you meant to say or do. My brain is like the CD shuffle. You know, when you put a whole bunch of CD's in the machine and press 'Random'...any old thing comes out.
My brain is like that. It's a terrible thing. For instance, just last night, I dreamed that Laura Ashley murdered Martha Stewart. Oh, it was a lovely presentation: they wrapped the body in a lovely autumn print, tied the end up with a cornsilk bow -- it was a good thing."
(DLV)
"I worry about Boris Yeltzin. He has a sharp pain in his left shoulder that works its way all the way down to his drink. I worry that I'm two Dalmatians short of a litter. And I worry about my Cabbage Patch Doll...she spit up a hairball! And I worry, oh, I worry...I worry about my husband. He's got designer mania. If it has a designer's name on it, he's gotta have it. He looks like Calvin, he smells like Ralph, I don't know what to call him anymore!"
(DLV)
"And I worry about Mad Cow Disease. They asked me to be their poster girl!"
(DLV)
"Aww, you sing it. I'm tired of singin'. Got that Las Vegas throat, ya know [does a little croak with her voice]."
(DLV)
"My principle memory of the 70's_was the night I accidentally overturned a tray of cocaine and 35 people got down on their hands and knees and tried to snort up a SHAG rug..it was PATHETIC."
(Diva Las Vegas)
"Oh, I got one! California just passed a new law. Proposition 215: Marijuana for medicinal purposes only. I can see it now,
'Ooh! I stubbed my toe! Anybody got a joint?'."
'Oooh cramps! ROLL YOUR MOTHER A DUBE.'
(DLV)
"My friend said to me, 'Ms. Midler, you have a new theme song.' I said, 'Girlfriend, I got a million theme songs. I got no act!'"
(DLV)
"Oh, my band and my girls, they're so good to me -- you know, it's our last night! [hear the audience groan: Oh...] Oh?? Whaddaya mean, 'Oh'?! Be happy for me! Look at me, I'm a wreck!"
(DLV) "Aint U Got A Vase???"
(the Soph Collection)
"I'll never forget it, you know...oh, wait, I've forgotten it.....[paces around the stage thinking] It's in Boulder City, visiting relatives. On a day trip. I'm expecting it back any minute now. By Federal Express. I'll never forget it, you know...oh, yeah, it's back. It has made its return, thank God! Oh, dear, I've forgotten it again..."
(DLV)
"Yeah, that was my first Rose. She was a great character...she died in the end. She was the only character I ever played that died in the end. Some of 'em died in the beginning."
(DLV)
"You know, that first weekend our picture opened, all the big testosterone kings all had pictures out, too:
Bruce Willis, Michael Douglas, Steven Segall--they were ham on toast by Sunday night."
(DLV)
"Nobody wanted to watch Michael Douglas bag old lines, they wanted to watch three lined old bags!"
(DLV)
"I tell ya, that picture was a real stretch for me. I've never been a first wife before. I was the other woman once or twice, but never a first wife. First of all, I hadda get frumpy. That was a real chore. Then I had to tap into those deep inner pools of vindictiveness and spite. That came a whole lot easier."
(DLV)


If you have any quotes of Miss M's that you'd like to send me...
or see up here ...
please mail me