If you've been a fan for any length of time, or have been to or seen one of Ms. Midler's absolutely AMAZING shows, you've know doubt met this wonderful lady before. Her name's Sophie Tucker, inspired by the original Sophie Tucker's humor, and attitude and lovingly referred to now as Soph...
She's one of Bette's many characters that show themselves throughout the act, just as there is "Delores DeLago the Toast of Chicago" (pictured above).. there is also the wonderfully talented, with horribly tastless jokes... the one.. the only... Soph......
A highlight in any live concert, or concert video is hearing the familiar strains of "That's why the lady is a tramp," "Pretty Legs and Great Big Knockers" or some other such song... seeing Ms. M grab a stool, and that mic in her hand... survey the crown and speak those WONDERFUL 5 little words "I'lllllllllll nevah forget it you know." The transformation from Ms. M to Soph is complete...and watch out, you're about to laugh until you can't laugh no more.
I will never forget it you know. For the longest time I didn't wear no underwear. It used to drive my boyfriend Ernie absolutely batty that I didn't wear no underwear.One day I caught a terrible cold, Ernie said to me, "Soph, you've got to go see the doctor."
I said, "All right, make an appointment for me."
So he rang up the doctor, but unbeknownced to me this is what he told the doctor: "Doc, I'm sending Soph over. She's got a terrible cold, but that ain't the problem. The problem is she don't wear no underwear. That's the reason she got this cold is on account she don't wear no underwear--got that?"
"Right-O," said the doctor.
So I, like a schmuck, trot on down to the doctor's office. Doctor says "Soph, open up your mouth and say 'ahh'.
I opened my mouth I said 'ahh'.
He looked down my throat and said, "Soph, you ain't wearing no underwear."
I said, "I beg your pardon, doctor."
He said to me, "Soph you ain't wearing no underwear."
I said, "Doc, you can look down my throat and see I ain't wearing no underwear?"
He said, "That's right Soph."
I said to him, "Doc, do me a favor, look up my a@* and tell me if my hat's on straight!"
I will never forget it you know. I was having tea one day with my Girlfriend Clementine, doorbell rang, answered the door and there was a delivery boy with two dozen roses. I grabbed the card, it said "Love, from your boyfriend Ernie" I said "Clementine, do you know what this means? For the next two weeks I'm gonna be flat on my back with my legs wide open."
Clemintine says to me "What's the matter, ain't you got a vase?"
I will never forget it you know. It was on the occasion of Ernie's eightieth birthday. He rang me up and said, "Soph! Soph! I just married myself a twenty-year old girl. What do you think of that?"
I said to him, "Ernie, when I am eighty I shall marry me a twenty-year old boy. And let me tell you something Ernie:
twenty GOES INTO eighty a helluva lot more than eighty GOES INTO twenty!"
I will never forget it you know. My girlfriend Clemintine is a filthy, vulgar ol' broad. She loves to keep me abreast of all the latest in filthy rotten jokes and filthy rotten songs.
She rang me up the other day and said to me, "Soph, listen to this one. You've never heard anything like it. What do you get when you cross a donkey with an onion?"
I said to her,"I have no idea what the hell do you get?"
She said, "Usually you get an onion with really long ears. But occasionally when the stars are just right, you get a piece of a@* that's so nice it makes you want to cry!"
I will never forget it you know. It was on the occasion of my eightieth birthday. My boyfriend Ernie bought for me a tombstone, and on that tombstone he inscribed:
HERE LIES SOPH. COLD AS USUAL.
Not being one to take that kind of thing lying down, I went out and bought Ernie a tombstone, and on that tombstone I had inscribed:
HERE LIES ERNIE--STIFF AT LAST!
I will never forget it you know. I was in bed last night with my boyfriend Ernie and he said to me, "Soph, you got no tits and a tight box."
I said to him,"Ernie. Get off my back!"
I will never forget it you know, I had gone to the grocery store for some suitable odds and ends. I looked around for a suitable looking bagboy to help me into the parking lot with my purchases.
On the way into the parking lot I am ashamed to tell you all that I was over come with an attack of pa@*ion....and bad taste. I grabbed the bagboy. I said "Young man, I have an itchy booty."
He said "Sorry lady, I don't know one Japanese car from another."
I will never forget it you know, my boyfriend Ernie and his best friend Louie, used to sit on the front porch all day long and I used to get all dressed up, and parade in front of them just to try to get a rise out of Ernie.
One day, I decided to surprise them both and I wore absolutely nothing. Louie turned to Ernie, "Hey, what's Soph got on today?"
"I don't know," said Ernie, "but it sure needs ironing!"
I will never forget it you know, my girlfriend Clemintine in the height of her profession was a great great stripper, but she hated it so violently that she would have to run to confession in between shows.
One day she completely forgot to put her shirt back on and she went into the church, nipples to the wind. A young priest stopped her and said "Madam you cannot come into the House of the Lord in that fashion."
"But I have a divine right" Clemintine said.
"Okay, your left ain't bad but you better cover your head," the priest said.
Well, after confession Clementine was walking back and she slipped on a banana peel, her dress got caught on a nail then completely unraveleed as she fell down the flight of stairs. There she lay, quite, quite naked and quite comotose. A pa@*ing motorcyclist took pity upon her flight and put his crash helmet over her exposed groin.
Then the doctor came and took a long look at her and said "We'll put her in the ambulance, but first we need to get that cop outta there!"
I will never forget it you know my boyfriend Ernie one day got a tapeworm. It was dreadful, he was so terribly embarra@*ed and couldn't go see the doctor so he called me up and said "Soph, I got a tapeworm what shall I do?"
I said to him "Ernie this is what you do: get your self a bunch of Italian breadsticks and boil yourself a few hard-boiled eggs, every morning, wake up, leap out of bed grab one of those Italian breadsticks and slip it up your poop, followed quickly by two hard-boiled eggs. Got that? Call me at the end of the month."
Well, Ernie you know does exactly what I tell him all the time. I guess at the end of the month he wasn't feeling so hot. He called me up and said to me "Soph, it's the end of the month and I'm plum out of breadsticks and hard-boiled eggs, what the hell do I do now?"
I said to him "Ernie, this is what you do. Get yourself a baseball bat. Tomorrow morning, ya' leap out of bed, just grab one of those Italian breadsticks and slip it up your poop. But don't put those hard-boiled eggs up there. Now when the tapeworm sticks his head out and says "Hey, where hell's my two hard-boiled eggs?" Hit him in the head with the baseball bat.
Yes, we finally killed the tapeworm and I wanted to give my boyfriend Ernie a treat. I had $50 I had saved up just for the occasion. I said "Ernie, grab this $50 and go on down to the Emilie House and have yourself a ball. Take this $50 and find my girlfriend Raquel the Hooker. She's quite, quite famous in the neighborhood and this is what she does: she takes you upstairs to the boodwa, strips you naked, throws you upon the bed, she puts a bagel on your parts, she squeezes the whole thing over with cream cheese, then she eats the whole thing off. "Whooopeeeee!" cried Ernie and that was the last time I saw him for several days.
The next time I saw him he was all bent over like a pretzel. Looked absolutely ghastly. I said "Ernie, what the hell happened to you?"
He said to me "Soph, I did exactly what you told me: I took the $50, I went on down to the Emilie House, I found the hooker Raquel, she took me upstairs to the boodwa, she stripped me naked, she threw me upon the bed, she put a bagel on my parts, she covered it with cream cheese, and it looked so good I ate it myself!"
I will never forget it you know. I met my girlfriend on the street the other day and her left breast was hanging out of her shirt. I said, "Clemintine, your left breast is hanging our of your shirt."
She said, "Oh, the baby must still be on the bus!"
I will never forget it you know. Ernie, lucky Ernie, flying Ace Ernie from WW 2, had just gotten back from that very same war. He took me up to his apartment, stripped me naked, and threw me on the bed. He took gasoline and poured it on my privates, then lit my groin on fire.
I said "Ernie, Lucky Ernie, what the hell is going on?"
He said "When Lucky Ernie goes down, he goes down in flames!"
I will never forget it you know. I was in bed one night withOUT my boyfriend Ernie. I got up to go to the bathroom, I bumped into someone and I said "Ernie what the hell are you doing here"
And he said to me "Soph, it's pitch black dark in here, how did you know it was me?"
I said to him "Ernie, it wasn't hard."
I will never forget it you know. You know that Clemintine she's a rascal you know. She loves to fix me up with these exotic-type fellows. The other day she called me up and said "Soph I gotta live one for ya' this time."
I said, "Send him over Clemintine."
Twenty minutes later the doorbell rang and I opened the door and there was a man there with no arms and no legs. I said to him "What the hell do you think you're going to do?"
He said "I rang the doorbell didn't I?"
I will never forget it you know. I was terribly drunk the other night. I woke up and there was an elephant in my bed. I said, "Lord have mercy I must've been tight last night."
"Well," said the elephant, "kinda."
I will never forget it you know. My boyfriend Ernie was on the $64,000 dollar question. Yes, he answered all of the questions properly, there he stood in the soundproof booth. Hal Marge said to him, "Now Ernie, for $64,000 what were the first words Eve said to Adam?"
Well Ernie didn't have the vaugest idea. He stood there and he scratched his head and said, "That one's too hard for me."
"You're right," said Hal Marge.
I will never forget it you know. I was hangin' our my laundry the other day, minding my own goddamn business, when my girlfriend Clemintine leaned over the picket fence. She said to me, "Soph, how come you always know when to hang out your laundry, and don't get stuck in the rain like the rest of us do?"
I said to her, "Clemintine, it's a perfectly simple proposition. When I wake up in the morning the first thing I do is roll over and look at my boyfriend Ernie. If it's laying on the right, I know it's going to be a sunny day. If it's laying on the left, I know it's gonna rain."
Clemintine said to me, "Soph, suppose it's standing straight up in the middle?"
I said to her, "Clemintine, who the hell wants to do laundry on a day like that anyway?"
I will never forget it you know. I was in the woods last night with my boyfriend Ernie. He said to me "Soph, these woods sure are dark, I wish I had a flashlight." I said to him, "So do I Ernie. You've been muching gra@* for the last ten minutes!"
I will never forget it you know. It was my honeymoon with my boyfriend Ernie, we were on the Silverchief we had a car all to ourselves. Suddenly, I cut the cheese.
Ernie said, "Oh my God, Soph, was that you? Did you just fart?"
I said to him, "Of course I did, do you think I always smell like this?"
I will never forget it you know. I was listening to the radio the other day with my boyfriend Ernie. We were listening to Father Grace, the great faith healer. He said if you are sick and wish to be healed, put one hand on the radio, and the other hand upon the part of your body which you wish to heal. So I put one hand upon the radio, and the other hand upon my heart.
My bofriend Ernie, put one hand upon the radio and the other hand upon his appendage. I said to him, "Ernie, he is only trying to heal the sick, he is not trying to raise the dead!"
I will never forget it you know, my boyfriend said to me "Soph, if you would learn to cook, we could fire the chef."
and I said to him "Ernie, if you would learn to f@*!, we could fire the cheuffuer!"
I will never forget it you know, my girlfriend Clemintine was a lady of the evening...and the morning and the night and the noon. One night I overheard her negotiating with a customer. She said "That's going to cost you a hundred dollars."
The customer said "A hundred dollars?! For heaven's sake, the Dutch bought the island of Manhattan for a mere $24."
"That's right," said Clemintine, "but Manhattan just lies there."
I will never forget it you know, my boyfriend Ernie was suffereing from silent gas emissions. I sent him to the doctor. He said "Doc, you gotta help me, I'm suffering from silent gas emissions. Last night at the opera I had 10 silent gas emissions, this morning at breakfast I had 2 silent gas emissions, and sitting here in this office with you I've had 5 silent gas emissions. What the hell am I going to do?"
"Well," said the doctor, "the first thing we're gonna do is check your hearing."
Sometimes I like to go to the doctor myself. There's nothing wrong with me, I just enjoy the stirrups. One time I came home from a FABULOUS check up. I said "Ernie, guess what? The doctor said I have the constitution of a 20 year old girl. He says I have the heart, lungs, and liver of a 20 year old girl."
Ernie looked me up and down. He said "Hey, did he mention your 80 year old a@*."
I said "No, we didn't talk about you!"
I will never forget it you, I was in my underground parking garage down Bocaraton Way. The parking garage gate opened and the most beautiful silver Mercedes I'd ever seen drove in and parked. Behind the wheel was the handsomest man I'd ever laid eyes on.
I strolled over to the car. "How do?", says I.
"How do?", says he.
"My, my thats a hell-of-a car!", says I.
"Ya think so?" says he. He gets out of the car. I give him the eyeball. "And look at you, you are a hell-of-a guy. Silver hair, handsom arms, handsome legs, handsome torso, what a face. I bet you even have a beautiful huuuuh?"
"Well," he says"many have written home to say so."
I said "I'd like to see it in person myself."
He said "would you?"
I said "Oh yes."
Well long story short, (long pause . . . get it?) he opened his fly and there it was. I held it in my hand. (lifts hand eye level) He was a very tall man. And I said, "Don't you ever park in my space again!!!"
I will never forget it you know my girlfriend Clementine goes on retreat once a year. She goes up north to little sisters of unbearable chastity. Once while she was up there, she discovered she has a spiritual power, a power for healing. It wasn't long before the entire retreat was over run by those seeking to be healed by Clementine.
One time Clementine was in the shower naked and soapy. There was a knock at the door. A large nun walked in. "Clementine, come out of the shower girl. There's a blind man outdoors to see ya, he's come a long way, hes got something important to say to ya."
"Sister!", says Clementine "Look, at me I'm naked I'm soapy I'm in the shower!! I cannot receive anyone in this condition!"
"Oh Clementine be a sport, he's a blind man he's come a long way he's got something important to say to ya."
"Oh very well", says Clementine "Show him in." So the door opens and the blind man walks in.
He says "Nice tits where do want the blinds?"
I will never forget it you know. I was in bed one night with my boyfriend Ernie and he said to me, "Soph, how come you never tell me when you're having an orgasm?"
I said to him, "Ernie, you're never around!"
I will never forget it you know. My girlfriend Clemintine is a filthy, vulgar ol' broad. Ah, she loves them dirty jokes. She rang me up the other day and said to me, "Soph, what do you get when you cross a male organ with a telephone pole?"
I said, "Clementine I've got no idea what do you get?"
She said to me "Soph, you get a humongous dick that wants to reach out and touch someone!"
I will never forget it you know. I was in bed one night with my boyfriend Ernie,he began combing his hair and there was a great shower of dandruff about the bed.
I said to him, "Ernie what is that?" He said, "Soph, those are the snows of Kilaminjaro."
He leaped from the bed and ran to the lew, I could hear him relieving himself violently, tisk tisk tisk. I said to him, "Ernie, what the hell is that?"
He said to me, "Soph, those are the rains of Rungepour."
On the way back form the lew he had an attack of flatulaunce, (the cheese was cut.) I said to him, "Ernie what the hell is that?"
He said to me, "Soph, those are the winds of Crackatoah"
That was enough for me I jumped into my clothes and was out the door like a shot. I could hear him calling me from down the road, "Where you going, what's wrong?"
I said, "Who can f@*$ in this weather?"